We both cheated
Dear Counsellor
I need your help with my relationship issues. My partner and I have been together for 10 years. We have a child together. We frequently argue. Sometime it’s about who he is texting or talking to on his phone, or some other simple thing. Sometimes I believe he has found someone new because often he shows no interest in sex. Counsellor, at the beginning of our relationship we were close, we laughed and talked about everything. A few years ago we both cheated on each other, and then we came clean and forgave each other. I miss the relationship we had back then. Now he seems like a different person. He even told me that he’s wondering if he is with the wrong person. I hide and cry by myself sometimes because I am so unhappy.
It would appear that your relationship is suffering from a case of relationship burnout where the love flames have been dimmed or completely extinguished. The novelty and excitement that existed in the earlier years of the relationship have disappeared, and now each partner takes the other for granted. Couples often get so preoccupied with work, parenting and just trying to cope with the demands of life that they spend little quality time with each other.
So instead of doing things to strengthen the emotional bond, arguing and verbal confrontations become a regular feature. It is not surprising that you have become suspicious as with this drifting apart comes insecurity, which is an indication of doubt and mistrust.
You mentioned that sometime ago you both were unfaithful and have subsequently forgiven each other. Are there any lingering memories from those experiences that may still be occupying the thoughts of your partner or yourself? Did he or you ever get over that unfortunate episode in your lives? Sometimes we forgive but don’t really forget. It would be instructive to know if the deterioration in the relationship began before or after the cheating affairs.
You seem to want to save your relationship and this is a good sign. The next step is to actually do something to restore the pleasure and rekindle the flame. The first thing then is to have a conversation with your partner, sharing with him your concerns and discussing ways in which you both can re-enact those good old days that occurred in the courtship stage of the relationship. All that is required is an interest and willingness to make it happen.
Just list some of the fun things you did when you were dating and do some of those activities. Going on dates may be challenging with the child in the picture, but certainly arrangements can be made to have the child stay with a friend or relative on your date nights.
One thing that must improve is the quality of the communication. Fussing, arguing and debasing each other will do little to enhance the relationship and will even affect the intimacy as you have already experienced.
There are many books available on restoring pleasure in relationships. You may want to purchase a book and get some practical ideas on how you both can retain and preserve the excitement in the relationship.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.
