Married, but Facebook chatting with my ex
Dear Counsellor,
I’m 35 yrs old and married for 12 years. The only reason I got married at that time was because of pregnancy. It’s sad but true, and I’m not in love with my husband. I have had one true love, and at that time my husband, who was only a good friend of mine, took advantage of me and got me pregnant.
When I realised that I was pregnant, I decided to tell my true love and he was willing to accept the child. I got married despite this. My husband never allowed me to go out and my true love and I didn’t see each other again and I was really sad.
After 13 years my ex and I reunited through Facebook. He’s also married now, with children. We talk everyday and realised that we are still in love. I told him all about the challenges I’ve been through in my married life and he said he was sorry about it. I told him that my husband cheated on me and he said his wife cheated too. We’re sad, but even though we want to be in each other’s arms, it is not right. Tell me counsellor, is it OK to be chatting on Facebook? Please advise us.
Shotgun weddings have been practised for years where the partners try to, as it were, save face. Sometimes more effort is placed on avoiding the embarrassment and less time on building the relationship. In instances like yours, having a child was the furthest thing from your mind and so was marriage. For some, the birth of the child results in the partners growing to love and appreciate each other, while for others, they grow to dislike and even despise each other.
It is instructive how you seem to blame your husband for impregnating you, which gives the impression that you had no part in the decision. What is even more disturbing is that after 12 years you are not in love with your husband. Do you still hold him entirely responsible for the unplanned pregnancy? Do you blame him for causing you not to be with your true love? It does appear that you never accepted the rapid transition of the gentleman’s status from good friend to baby’s father to husband. The speed at which all this took place did not give you an opportunity to really get to know your partner and so, no doubt, you directed more of your energies into child rearing than you did into relationship building.
So now you have linked up with your true love. In that time he has got married and has children. In sharing notes, you realise that you both have similar infidelity issues in your marriages. This would make it appear that it would be justified for you and your ex to get together as you both have a cheating partner.
Facebook and other social media have been said to be responsible for strain in many relationships, as those involved tend to spend so many hours interacting online that sometimes they neglect their families and responsibilities. If and when it gets to that point, you both would have crossed the line and placed your marriages at risk.
Before it gets there, it makes sense to back off as it would only be a matter of time before you both get physical. There is obviously a strong chemistry between you both, and sharing common marital concerns can only serve to make a bad situation worse.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.
