Could he be gay, married, taken?
Dear Counsellor,
I am in my mid-20s and have been dating a guy in his mid-30s for the past eight months. We are both single and even though neither of us are virgins, we have not been intimate with each other. The most we have done is deep kissing and some fooling around.
My friends find this hard to believe and are of the opinion that he is married, has a girl on the side, or is gay. Even though I have never been to his house or know his exact address, I have known him for some time and believe none of what they say is true.
He is a very honest, caring and sweet person. He encourages me, supports me, and truly makes me happy. We enjoy each other’s company. My only issue is that he has not asked me to be his girlfriend. I am in no rush; I have actually liked taking things slow for the first time. I just wonder what his intentions are as I may have fallen for him and I am scared of getting my heart broken.
I was just one month shy of a three-year relationship when he and I started communicating. I have also never dated a guy his age before, so I am unsure as to what to expect from a relationship with him. My mind tells me he wouldn’t be dating me for this long if he didn’t want a relationship. At the same time, I don’t want to assume that he wants something serious when he doesn’t.
What do you suggest I do? I would really appreciate your guidance in helping me decide where to go from here.
There is no set time when a relationship should transition from dating to a committed union; it really depends on the individuals involved. For some people, waiting a while before going to the next stage is their way of making sure that they are ready to proceed. They may have just ended a relationship and want some time to recalibrate their emotions before embarking on a new one.
Others, however, have much shorter transition periods. By nature they are go-getters who make things happen and so don’t believe in sitting around and wasting time.
Your friend is probably in the former group and is just taking it slow. If what your friends are suggesting does not apply and you can confirm that, then you can either go with the flow or find out from him what his intentions are.
In the meanwhile, why not appreciate the friendship that now exists? You said he is a nice person, so as they say, just enjoy the ride. Getting anxious by focusing on what may or may not happen in the future will rob you of the opportunity to revel in the moment.
Being in his 30s he may well be a little more deliberate about making major decisions in his life and so has decided to take it slow. Like you, he may well be coming out of a relationship and is careful about getting into a rebound relationship.
As much as your concern is understandable as you strive to safeguard your heart, being his best friend is all you can be right now as there is no guarantee that he will take it to the next level.
Be mindful, however, of any red flags that might appear. One of these is not knowing his exact address. Has he avoided the question of his address? What’s his reason for not taking you to his home? Is he secretive about his personal life? Have you met any of his family members? How does he introduce you to his friends?
There is nothing wrong with having that talk with him about your feelings for him and expectations for the relationship, as long as you are not badgering him and making unreasonable demands.
If, however, you notice that he is not budging as the relationship moves along, and he has not stated his position, you can have an idea of what kind of relationship he wants and you must decide if you want to continue on that path.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.
