He has the urge to cheat
Dear Counsellor,
I am 27 years old and my fiancé is 38. We have a one-year-old together. I recently found out that he is cheating. I confronted him and he eventually admitted to it.
What was confusing though was his reaction to how I reacted to the situation. I was very hurt. I cried and argued a lot. I started to hate him. His response was, “Why are you allowing people to destroy our relationship?” It’s as if he was trying to place the blame for the state of our relationship away from himself. He said that after we discussed it he decided to stop corresponding with the girl.
Based on what he had told me about his past, I realise that he is unable to have a drama-free relationship for more than two years, which he admitted to. He then said that when he is in a committed relationship, after a while he becomes bored and feels as if there is something missing. He then tries to fill the void with having a second relationship. But then, after a while, he loses interest in the second relationship and starts to focus on his primary relationship. This has been a cycle for years now, according to him. We were having a very good relationship before all this happened and he wants it to continue that way. I suggested that he gets counselling or speak with a psychiatrist. He is remorseful and wishes to get help to overcome his urge to cheat.
I await your advice.
When one decides to be involved with someone else in a committed relationship, the expectation is that both parties will be exclusive to each other and that a third party will not enter the picture. This is a reasonable expectation, but unfortunately this is not the reality for many relationships.
Like your fiancé, there are some men (and women too) who believe that a one burner stove will not do and so they resort to securing a second burner. And they feel quite justified in their actions and expect the partners to work with the programme.
If your fiancé feels that what he is doing is okay, then he will not take responsibility for his unfaithfulness and so pointing his finger elsewhere would be a natural thing to do. So it’s the other woman who is at fault and not him, which, as you know, is a cop out.
The matter of him becoming bored in a committed relationship and having to be involved with someone else simultaneously is not a credible justification for his actions. If the shoe was on the other foot and you gave him that reason for cheating on him, would he accept your explanation? As an adult he can choose what he wants to do and what he doesn’t want to do. Unlike a child, he has a free will to make choices. How he exercises the choices he has is another matter.
It’s good that he acknowledges that he needs professional help, but what he needs to do immediately is to exercise self-control and not allow his desire to satisfy his physical appetite negatively impact his relationship with you.
So sit with him and see where you can help him keep his focus on you and not be distracted.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@ gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www. seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@seekingshalom.org.
