Ostracism, scorn still plague unwed mothers

APPROXIMATELY three decades ago, having a child out of wedlock meant scorn, disdain and non-acceptance by society.

But, with the amendment of a few laws, the practice became more accepted — at least legally — because for some women in this day and age, their experience of giving birth outside of marriage seems similar to the occurrences of 30 years ago.

Take for instance Rachel T, 28, who had her child as a single woman in her early 20s. For her, it was a topic of much discussion among her community and family members who saw it as the biggest mistake she could have made.

“My father was very upset with me. As much as I was an adult, he was very upset and saw it as an abominable act. I also faced much discrimination as people in the community would say I’m not married, yet I was pregnant. Those were mainly the churchgoers. Others thought I was a child because I was small in body, so they would stare and turn up their noses because they saw me as a teen who had made the worst possible decision,” she said.

And in the case of Crystal W, 29, who now has two children, getting pregnant with her first child out of wedlock seemed like “rolling in a patch of thorns”.

“I was ostracised and basically chased out of town. I was active in the church and when I found out, everyone found out shortly after. I was 19 at the time. I was taken from the ministry and told I couldn’t come back until an apology was made to the congregation. I was made the image of shame and held up as an example to other young Christians as to what you should not become. Eventually I got married and nothing much changed, but I had to learn that despite how society sees things, life goes on and you have to simply pick up the pieces and continue,” she said.

Anastacia T, 36, has a similar story, and when she became pregnant out of wedlock she recalls her grandmother saying, ‘No more bastard pickney in my house. Leave!’

“It was what it was. For my grandmother, despite the issue of children being illegitimate being done away with, she still saw it that way. To this day she has not forgiven me and my child is now 12 years old.”

But for Tamika P, 38, and May-Lyn C, 41, other women who bore children outside of wedlock, it was more of a happy occasion for everyone around them.

“I got pregnant at 21 and though my mother was a bit disappointed, she supported me. I was an adult and I was finishing up university. She pitched in and assisted me until I was finished. Never once was I shown any ‘bad face’ or looked on as if I was the spawn. I know it happens but, fortunately for me, getting pregnant young and being unmarried didn’t make people treat me badly,” Tamika said.

“My mother is an only child and I am her only child, so when she heard that company was on the way, she was elated to say the least. She encouraged me to get married before starting a family as she did, but at 27 with a career, I guess she overlooked it and was just happy. For people who face the taboo aspect, which I agree does exist, it’s usually because of their social standing and involvement in organisations that would have issues with it,” May-Lyn added.

Reverend Karl Johnson, general secretary of the Jamaica Baptist Union, said with regards to having children outside of wedlock being seen as a taboo, that perception has changed from what it used to be.

“I think the practise is far more acceptable than it was a few decades ago. In fact, with the growing prevalence of career women and the parallel decline in the number of available, appropriate male partners, it appears to be almost expected that women will try to beat their biological clock with or without a husband or even a stable partner. Of course, the emergence of globalisation and post-modernism have been strong allies in changing how society now views this and a myriad of other moral issues,” he explained.

He said he doesn’t think the subject is, by and large, seen as taboo again, even in church circles.

“Many churches are much more willing to discuss this and other formerly uncomfortable topics because of increased enlightenment regarding the benefits of open dialogue in an increasingly information-rich world. Several of us are only too aware that if the church leaves a void in the ongoing conversations, that void will be easily occupied by other sources of information and ‘guidance’.”

He said the church’s reaction to an unmarried, pregnant member is different in each case, but most are careful not punish the unborn child.

“Churches respond in different ways to such a scenario. While holding to its conviction that children are best still conceived and raised within the context of a stable, committed, monogamous, heterosexual framework — also known as marriage — a number of churches are becoming more careful not to do anything that would remotely result in punishing the unborn child, or for that matter make sex outside of marriage the unpardonable sin,” Dr Johnson explained.

But, he said, in many cases women in this position either voluntarily disappear until after the baby is born or there are instances when some have been asked to step down from ministry engagements temporarily.

“I would be the first to admit that this does not always reflect or point to a harsh, punitive, unforgiving spirit, but is at times one that is taking into account the impact of this scenario on others in the believing community. Whichever route is taken, my own observation is that many ‘return’ quite unobtrusively and gradually reintegrate into the life of the church.

“In fact, many of the so-called ‘mothers in Israel’ in our churches today could share that testimony,” he said.