Boyfriend likes Instagram strippers

Dear Counsellor,

I recently found out that my boyfriend is following strippers and women who post naked pictures on Instagram. He has a lot of them on his profile. He showed them to me and when I asked why he was following them he said, “I just like seeing that stuff.” I asked him if he also clicked ‘like’ on them sometimes and he said yes. I told him I feel hurt about it as it just makes me feel like I’m lacking. Why does he need to be doing this? I could understand watching porn on the Internet, but following them on Instagram just seems like a step too far. He said I don’t need to worry because it’s just a guy thing and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t find me attractive. He said at least it’s not girls he knows in real life. I also asked him if he clicks ‘like’ on extremely revealing pictures of persons that he knows and he said sometimes. This was really devastating for me and I just feel like I’m not good enough. I asked him to unfollow these women and he said he won’t. Am I wrong to feel the way I do?

Men by nature are visual beings and are thrilled by erotic images they view on their computer or phone screens. Women, on other hand, are more relational and would spend more time in chat rooms engaging with others online.

With the Internet offering accessibility, affordability and anonymity, online sexual activities have been increasing rapidly and many men and women do participate in such activities. It is not surprising that your partner indicated to you his delight in viewing (and following) naked women via social media as he does. The fact that he can access the images/videos by just touching the cellphone screen, pay nothing for the view, and remain incognito for the most part, makes engaging in these activities most alluring.

Online sexual activities (OSA) can become problematic, particularly for the partners of the participants as in your case. Research in OSA, cited in Goldberg et al’s 2008 piece Cybersex: The impact of a contemporary problem on the practices of marriage and family therapists in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, revealed that people who frequently engage in these activities experience a loss of interest in partner sex, changes in sleep pattern, demands for isolation and privacy, and neglect of duties and responsibilities, all of which negatively impact the partner and family relationships

Like you, the partners in the relationship do experience feelings of rejection, hurt, loneliness and betrayal, resulting in low self-esteem. Many of these partners compare themselves to the women on the computer/phone screens which can cause serious psychological problems relating to body image.

The studies also reveal that some of these online sexual activities can develop into offline sexual activities, particularly if the on-screen person is readily available.

The lure to participate in OSA is quite strong and can become quite addictive. Your concern about his obsession with following strippers and women who post naked pictures on Instagram is warranted, and so creating a distraction from these activities would make sense.

Telling you that these online women pose no threat to you is not enough; he needs to redirect the time and effort spent on online sexual activities to offline sexual activities with you.

Sit with your boyfriend and express your hurt regarding his preoccupation elsewhere. Tell him that you would want him to share his fantasies with you, and maybe some if not all of his wild imaginations could be realised with you.