I don’t trust him

Dear Counsellor,

My partner and I have known each other for six years, but decided to be a couple three years ago. We were very good friends at the time and he was a bit older than me. I must admit I was pretty young and was still in high school, but troubles at home, not having a father figure or supportive individuals in my life, had led me to seek attention.

It was my independence and strong maturity that fascinated him. He helped me out a lot emotionally and I helped him to work on his set goals. We were happy with each other, going to church together and all.

When I was about to sit my CXC exams I got pregnant. God allowed me to sit my exams, receiving eight distinctions. My partner was supportive, sweet and kind. After I graduated I moved in with him and we have been living together up to this day.Since recently I’m finding it hard to trust him, as I know he was a ladies’ man before we became intimate, and he often criticises me for becoming a different person since the birth of our child. But to be honest, I’ve been doing my absolute best, being a stay-at-home mom, cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping, and taking care of our child.One night as we slept, I barely opened my eyes and saw him texting, but when he realised I was awake he put the phone away. I went back to bed but was uneasy and couldn’t sleep, so while he was sleeping I checked his social accounts and found what I was looking for: he was messaging other women in a way that was neither business-related nor just friendly.We argue a lot and he often tells me I didn’t contribute anything to his life. I often cry at night without his comfort. I don’t know if it’s because my body isn’t as perfect as before pregnancy, but he denies that is the issue. I don’t ask for much. I don’t ask him for money to do my hair or nails or anything because I know we are not where we want to be financially right now — a situation he blames for his need to de-stress by texting.I just want comfort from him, for him to listen, and appreciate what I do for him. But I think he’s still secretly misbehaving as he changes his passwords constantly.Even though it hurts, a part of me just doesn’t want to care anymore and I wished we had explored each other before our big responsibility. I often ask, does he even love me anymore? What am I doing wrong? Is it me or him? Is it our age difference? Should I leave? Will our child forgive us for parting? I keep on going because of her, not wanting her to feel deprived of love like I did. The man who was supposed to save me from my troubles is now adding to them. He knows my ultimate fear in a relationship, and that is cheating. He’s not helping me to regain his trust. What should I do?

When I was about to sit my CXC exams I got pregnant. God allowed me to sit my exams, receiving eight distinctions. My partner was supportive, sweet and kind. After I graduated I moved in with him and we have been living together up to this day.

Since recently I’m finding it hard to trust him, as I know he was a ladies’ man before we became intimate, and he often criticises me for becoming a different person since the birth of our child. But to be honest, I’ve been doing my absolute best, being a stay-at-home mom, cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping, and taking care of our child.

One night as we slept, I barely opened my eyes and saw him texting, but when he realised I was awake he put the phone away. I went back to bed but was uneasy and couldn’t sleep, so while he was sleeping I checked his social accounts and found what I was looking for: he was messaging other women in a way that was neither business-related nor just friendly.

We argue a lot and he often tells me I didn’t contribute anything to his life. I often cry at night without his comfort. I don’t know if it’s because my body isn’t as perfect as before pregnancy, but he denies that is the issue. I don’t ask for much. I don’t ask him for money to do my hair or nails or anything because I know we are not where we want to be financially right now — a situation he blames for his need to de-stress by texting.

I just want comfort from him, for him to listen, and appreciate what I do for him. But I think he’s still secretly misbehaving as he changes his passwords constantly.

Even though it hurts, a part of me just doesn’t want to care anymore and I wished we had explored each other before our big responsibility. I often ask, does he even love me anymore? What am I doing wrong? Is it me or him? Is it our age difference? Should I leave? Will our child forgive us for parting? I keep on going because of her, not wanting her to feel deprived of love like I did. The man who was supposed to save me from my troubles is now adding to them. He knows my ultimate fear in a relationship, and that is cheating. He’s not helping me to regain his trust. What should I do?

One of the downsides to dating someone who is much older is that the person would have had more exposure to life experiences and would have developed some bad habits over the years. In some of these age disparity relationships, the partners assume parent-child roles instead of adult-adult.

The absence of a father figure would have prompted the need to fill this emotional void in your life, and so being in such a vulnerable state, it was not unusual that you drifted towards Mr Mention, who was providing emotional support.

It seems that whereas you may have desired a committed, monogamous relationship, he may have other ideas that are more in keeping with the lifestyle of his peers. This may have been a practice developed while you were still in high school that has become a habit that he is unwilling to give up for the sake of the relationship.

You must be commended for your strength of character in staying on top of your schoolwork during the pregnancy. This indicates your capacity to be resilient during difficult times. And it is this inner strength that you must draw on to address the relationship issues you are now experiencing.

Depending solely on your partner for validation will lower your self-confidence. The moment you begin to question your body image is sowing seeds of self-doubt. Self-affirmation is the first step to self-acceptance. To be told that you offer very little to his personal growth and development is his way of shattering your self-esteem, and so you must reject such negative comments.

Remember, for a relationship to work, both partners must want it and be willing to put in equal amounts of time and effort. So as much as you may be taking responsibility for the issues arising in the relationship, he also needs to assess his own behaviour that is negatively impacting the relationship. Sending inappropriate text messages to other women as a way of coping with his financial challenges is certainly a feeble excuse to justify his actions.

You should try to secure a job, indicating your sense of independence so that in the event of a break-up you can survive financially.

Making a decision to walk away from a relationship, especially when a child is involved, is not an easy one. In the same light, staying in a dysfunctional relationship because of a child is also problematic.

The doubts you have about your partner seem to be of grave concern to you as it appears you have reason to believe he is being unfaithful. The truth is, you can’t move forward until those doubts are erased and your comfort level restored.

It is therefore recommended that you both seek professional intervention to discuss your fears, doubts and the prospects for the relationship.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.