My husband cheated, fathered a baby

Dear Counsellor,

My husband of nearly 20 years cheated on me. As soon as he celebrated his 60th birthday he began to go out every single night. He claimed he was hanging out with his brethren, but he lied. He used that as a cover-up because I found out he had multiple affairs, ending with one woman in particular. Also, he fathered a child with someone else.

He takes me nowhere and when I confront him as to why we don’t go anywhere together, he comes up with flimsy excuses.

The showdown happened when I came home one evening and overheard him on the telephone speaking to the woman, telling her that he loves her unconditionally and a whole lot of other stuff, acting as if he is a single person.

When I asked who he was talking to, he lied that it was his brethren. Ever since that day he comes and goes without a word. It got to the point where he couldn’t even look at me.

I asked him what I had done to make him disrespect me like that, and he said I hadn’t done anything. The icing on the cake was when he decided to go abroad. This is something he said he would never do because he hates the hassle of flying and all the new restrictions that come with travelling; however, he booked a flight and went abroad to meet up with his lady love. He lied again when he said he wanted a trip by himself after I told him that I was going with him. Long story short, he went and spent a week with her.

He came back and couldn’t even look me in the face. No apology, no remorse. He eventually told me that he was in love with someone else. What I am unable to wrap my mind around is how a partner of so many years just gets up one fine day and falls in love with someone else.

I’ve loved my husband from the day I met him, and even though it is said that all men cheat — a notion I accept, I never believed he would be so disrespectful and callous. I never stifle him, never pressure him for anything, because I am employed and I never watched him or questioned his whereabouts, and yet he has the nerve to do this to me.

Deep in my heart I believe this woman is pressuring him to leave his wife and family. Sometimes I really want to find her and tell her a thing or two. How do I get over the hurt?

Some men, when they hit 60 or thereabouts, believe life is running out and they have to get some fun before their male member ceases to function effectively. Often they pursue younger women who they believe will keep them young and vibrant.

It is imperative for these men to believe that they still possess their sexual prowess, and so if they feel that the wives at home are not providing sufficient ‘ego boost’ tonic, they may just be persuaded to go next door or down the road for the ego boost supply. Once they get a regular supply of the ego boost medicine, they get hooked and find ingenious ways to get to the source of the supply.

This is in no way minimising your emotional pain and hurt, but just to give you an idea of what may be going on in your husband’s head and what his motivation might be.

As they say, “one hand can’t clap”, and so your husband’s actions, as you correctly alluded to, are facilitated by the other woman. She no doubt was aware that he was married, but could have been given the assurance that he would have left you to be with her. There are some side chicks who, to achieve first lady status, place extreme demands on the men to ditch their partners. These men, like your husband, become withdrawn and emotionally abusive to their wives, and fabricate stories to cover their tracks.

The truth is, as much as you are hurt by the behaviour of your husband, the other woman cares less and would probably blame you for being neglectful and insensitive to your husband’s emotional needs. She would probably say it was your fault why your husband strayed. She would come up with all kinds of reasons to justify her actions. So telling her a thing or two may help you to deal with the hurt, but it may also exacerbate the situation.

So according to you, you believe and accept the notion that all men cheat, which would suggest that you also accept your husband’s line of defence that he is a typical Jamaican man. If you do, then you probably saw red flags that you may have deliberately excused, tolerated or ignored.

Giving him too much space could be interpreted as not engaging him enough to find out what’s going on with him. There also appears to be a severe breakdown in interpersonal relations, and so instead of staying home and communicating with you and taking you out, he chose to connect with external sources.

As you contemplate your husband’s intentions and actions, don’t be dismayed if you get no plausible explanations. Marriages go through challenges of this nature more often than we would like to believe, and so couples need to keep the lines of communication open, attend to the physical and emotional needs of each other, and not take each other for granted. This is particularly applicable to long-term marital and committed relationships.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.