I may have opened Pandora’s box
Dear Counsellor
I have been married for 30 years. My wife had a relationship with someone five years before we got married and she said it only lasted for six months, and without any sexual contact. He broke up with her for no reason and left the country, she said. That was the second time a man had done that to her. One day I was surfing Facebook and I found my wife’s ex-lover (the second one). I sent a friend request to him from my wife’s account. He had her on his friends’ list and he sent her a message asking her about herself. I responded to him in her name saying that she was fine and married with three kids. He sent back a message saying that he was divorced and had three kids too. I told my wife what I did, and she freaked out at first, then told me that she would send him a letter of anger and hate as he was the one who broke up with her. She wanted him to be remorseful and to say sorry for what he did 35 years ago. He responded by saying that he had personal issues that he was facing at the time and was not ready for a commitment. He didn’t say sorry. She showed me the letter and she also told me that he tried to call her on Facebook. I told her to send him her number so he could WhatsApp her, to see what he was going to say. He called but it was short. He just said hello, asked how she was doing, and sent his regards to me.
The problem is that he is coming to visit the country and he would like to meet with us. My wife thanks me for what I did because she got out all these feelings of revenge, hate and anger that have been locked up inside her for 35 years. I told her I did it so she could get closure. She now says she feels relieved and has no feelings for him whatsoever; he is just a person she knew in the past but she would like to meet with him.
I am not afraid of losing her because I know she loves me, but I’m afraid she’s hiding her true feelings. I noticed how happy she was when he told her that she still looks good and I saw how she became excited when he sent her messages.
I know for sure that he has no feelings for her whatsoever, and he is not sorry or regretful about what happened. I did what I did because I felt that she needed closure for that period of time in her past. Was I wrong?
Sometimes in life it is best to let sleeping dogs lie and not resurrect a relationship that died and was buried many years ago. The repercussions can be so emotionally painful that more harm than good results.
In your case, your intention to help your wife get over a past hurt was indeed noteworthy, but you are at the same time worried that there may be some residual romantic feelings that she may still have for her ex. So the question is, who is it that really needs the closure, you or her? Are you of the opinion that she may fall for him despite what she might tell you? Or could it be that you are overreacting to her response to his compliments?
It is obvious that she was hurt by the gentleman’s decision to walk away from the relationship and offered no credible reason, and so the issue was always unresolved in her mind. The apology she was seeking from him, however, did not seem to be forthcoming and so she may still be expecting more from him that a face-to-face interaction could facilitate.
The decision to accommodate this request for a ‘tripartite’ meeting should be carefully thought out as it could serve to compound an already delicate situation. If she is adamant that the ex must apologise for the emotional pain and suffering she endured over the past 35 years and he believes he does not need to be apologetic, this could be a potentially explosive situation. No doubt you would be forced to take a stand beside (or before) your wife. What would your role be? Mediator or referee?
If you decide to meet with the gentleman, it would be advisable not to meet at your home but at a public venue where all parties would be obligated to behave civilly to each other. You and your wife must accept that you both cannot force the gentleman to issue an apology if he does not want to. She may have to live with the reality that she may never receive one and not hold it against him. To say he was not ready for commitment at the time is not an unreasonable position to take.
So since you have roused the sleeping dog by deliberately manipulating your wife’s
Facebook account, you have to deal with any potential backlash that may occur. Whether your motive was to help your wife get over her past hurt or to find out if the gentleman was any threat to you, you need to handle the matter with maturity and let peace reign.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.
