When children lie

LYING lips have unhinged a great many parents. But stretching the truth or outright lying, as worrisome as it may be, will form a large part of your child’s survival strategy as they explore and try to understand the world which they are, understandably, confused about.

“As parents, and having encouraged honesty and the importance of integrity in your children no matter how small they are, it can be a slap in the face when they lie. But the truth is, at some point all children do it, whether it is to make an event more exciting or just to get out of trouble. But the end point is that it is a part of the development stage as much as we hate it,” guidance counsellor Monique Minto said.

She pointed out that the reason for this, especially for children under seven, is generally due to the fact that at this stage their lives revolve around that of a fantasy – made-up characters or situations ­– and in a bid to protect themselves or just to remain in your good books, they may lie to cover up something which they know you would not approve of.

“For example, a child will say that they did their homework when they know they didn’t, or that Spider Man took the cookie even though they did. Or others even lie because they want to seem cool or they want to be seen as being different. Be sure, however, to help your child to understand that they are just as special and unique, even without powers,” Minto said.

But while a few isolated fibs and half-truths are nothing to raise alarm about, if the lies become chronic, even weaving other people into the storylines to cause trouble and are accompanied by other poor habits, you should take note.

“As your children grow older, and usually by around age eight, they are able to identify right from wrong and they can better identify with the values and the morals that you have taught and shared with them. Chronic lying should be a cause for concern of every parent. If you realise that they lie for the simplest things, they create elaborate stories to deceive, they try to cast the blame on other people at all times, and they show absolutely no remorse for the lies that they have told or that they have hurt people with their lies, that’s a problem. Also, when this is done alongside other activities such as stealing and mischievousness, the situation could become complicated and, more often than not, requires professional assistance,” Minto said.

She advised that parents should be concerned because the children may be fighting a psychological war that they (parents) are unaware of.

“Depression, the inability to decipher right from wrong, not having a conscience, poor self-esteem, are among the many reasons little fibs become intentional deception and it is important that these children are provided with professional help to address the issues, especially as they become habitual. Importantly, when intervention is made early it reduces the possibility of the child becoming a compulsive liar,” Minto said.

She also noted that when parents recognise that the problem is habitual they should never try to lecture or to correct the child, because there is often a deeper problem that parents are unable to identify or understand, which is why a therapist is always recommended in cases where lying is chronic.

Minto also shared a number of practices that could be considered as you educate and assist your child in identifying and differentiating between the truth and a lie, as well as developing the moral fibre to stay clear of lies or not to overindulge:

LEAD BY EXAMPLE

It is important that you are truthful to your child because, before anyone else, you are their first role models. Use the opportunity to develop mutual trust, so you might want to ensure that you don’t make promises unless you can keep them, or do anything else that could be considered mistrust. He/she should be able to emulate you. Also, demand this of others in your immediate household/family as well.

BE CALM AND RATIONAL WHEN ADDRESSING YOUR CHILD

Be sure to focus on the root of the lie as opposed to the lie itself. Is there a pattern with your child’s lies, is there a particular theme, or characters?

ASSIGN APPROPRIATE CONSEQUENCES TO LIES

You want to exhaust methods such as talking to them about the importance of honesty and giving them to the opportunity to come clean and to work out the issue before you resort to punishment. So, you could possibly restrict use of or access to gadgets, the TV, or participating in activities they enjoy most such as an ice cream sundae. In doing this, be careful not to withdraw too much. You don’t want to encourage lies with these punishments.

BE OPEN TO THE CHILD ABOUT HOW THEIR LYING MAKES YOU FEEL

Create an open-door policy where children can open up about what they did without fear of being harshly treated.

ENCOURAGE HONESTY

When you catch your child in a lie, encourage them to be honest but don’t demand a confession. But if or when they do, praise them for their honesty.