Torn between two husbands

Dear Counsellor,

I have been divorced from my ex-husband for five years after a 16-year marriage. We have three beautiful kids. After five years of being divorced, he says he wants me back. But I have remarried and moved on with my life. I had to look after the kids alone as he did not provide support for them. I don’t have any physical contact with him, because it always developed into a fight.

Things are not going well in my current marriage because we are not coping financially. My ex was a better provider and he wants me and the kids back in his life. One of the reasons for getting divorced was his abusive nature. He would leave me and the kids for months alone at home. When it suited him he would return home as if nothing was wrong. Is it even worth it going through all that hurt and pain again? I don’t know what to do anymore. Both relationships feel like a dead end. I wonder sometimes why I let myself into these bad situations. Please help me.

Now is a good time to ask yourself this question: What would make me happier? A life with more money but more physical/emotional abuse, or one with little money but no physical/emotional abuse? Your choice would be determined by what you consider to be more important.

Some women will endure the physical and emotional abuse as long as they are financially secure in the relationship. These women, however, are most unhappy as they often live in fear for their lives.

The alternative can also be an emotional strain, as the efforts to make ends meet financially are quite challenging. If, however, you have a spouse who is ambitious, works hard, does not earn much but will not take out his frustrations on you, that person is much easier to work with in trying to resolve the financial challenges.

You have indicated that one of the reasons you divorced your ex-husband was because of his abuse. You also mentioned how he was missing in action for months, leaving you with the burden of taking care of the children on your own. What has happened differently to indicate to you that his abusive and neglectful behaviour has stopped? In those five years when you were divorced, did he receive anger management training or positive parenting training?

Now to your present marital situation. The financial challenges are great, but are they insurmountable? Can you both sit down and come up with a plan and strategy to address the financial shortcomings?

When there is a spirit of cooperation and support between the partners in a relationship, the environment is more favourable to problem solving.

If you were to leave your present husband and return to the one you lived with for 16 years, would that be a progressive or regressive move on your part? On what grounds would you divorce your present husband? Do you recall the vows you made?

It may be in your best interest to focus your attention on the road ahead of you instead of looking in the rear-view mirror. You have decided to marry the man you are now with, and so any distractions will negatively impact your marital relationship.

So as you think about the options before you, appreciate that the children deserve to live in a home that is conducive to their healthy emotional and psychological development.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to agapemft@gmail.com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@seekingshalom.org.