Married virgin unable to have sex
Dear Dr Mitchell,
I have been married for three months, but my husband and I have been unable to have sex. I am still a virgin. Each time we attempt it, it’s too painful and I freeze up. I feel like something is wrong with me, and my husband is getting frustrated. What could be the problem?Congratulations on your recent marriage, but I am sorry to learn of the difficulties you are experiencing with attempting to start sexual activity.The problem you’re having may be either physical or mental. Painful sexual activity may be due to a failure to fully relax, causing spasms in the vaginal wall and resulting in your husband’s inability to achieve penetration. A thick hymen may also cause pain during penetration. In rare cases there may be an abnormality in the vaginal passage, such as a septum, and this may prevent penetration. A septum is a band of tissue that may run from one side of the vaginal wall over to the opposite side. A thick hymen can be successfully removed by doing a simple operation if manual stretching does not work.The use of a lubricating gel and manually stretching the entrance to the vagina may help to reduce the discomfort you now experience. If there is a septum blocking the cavity of the vagina, this can be surgically removed and will result in a very good outcome.If painful penetration is due to your failure to relax, then you should consult a sexual therapist who will help you to be creative in your approach to sexual activity and teach you how to improve your sexual interaction and intimacy even without penetration, once you and your husband are comfortable with each other. At that point you will learn to relax, and penetration will be less painful.If you have been brought up to believe that sex is taboo, the idea of engaging in sexual activity will make you experience feelings of increased anxiety. If you were molested as a child, suffered from incest, or had other traumatic experiences, then this can result in negative feelings about sexual activity and affect your ability to relax and achieve a fulfilling sexual experience.Counselling is invaluable in these situations and should involve both you and your partner. As you become more comfortable and relaxed with each other, the inhibitions will be significantly reduced and your sexual relationship will improve.Sex is a vital part of any marital relationship. Lack of it will cause frustration and marital problems, so this issue needs to be resolved. You should get a gynaecological examination to ensure that you are normal and that there are no physical barriers to penetration as a result of any abnormality in the vagina. If there are no physical barriers, your gynaecologist should recommend you to a sex therapist for counselling and guidance to help you with creative ideas to improve your sexual intimacy.Best wishes.
Dr Sharmaine Mitchell is an obstetrician and gynaecologist. Send questions via e-mail to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com; write to All Woman, 40-42 1/2 Beechwood Ave, Kingston 5; or fax to 968-2025. All responses are published. Dr Mitchell cannot provide personal responses. DISCLAIMER:The contents of this article are for informational purposes only and must not be relied upon as an alternative to medical advice or treatment from your own doctor.
