Dad warned about unequal marriage
Counsellor, My father warned that I was marrying a “low value” man when I told him that my now husband and I were getting serious, and though they attended and supported the wedding, they’ve always made their views about my husband and I being unequally yoked quietly known. My husband’s family makes decent money, but my parents think that because they’re uneducated business people, they’re not good stock. They also warned me about having too many children, because they fear the children will be “dim”. I love my family, and also my husband, who works very hard despite everything, but the constant comments even give me doubts sometimes. How do I get past this, or do they have a point?
You are reeling from the negative statements made by your parents about your spouse, and you want to know how to handle what are gnawing comments. Understood. Thank you for sharing your situation. And I commend you for seeking advice. It is obviously a prudent person who seeks advice. Now the vice of the situation you have described can certainly gobble up your marriage. It is a dangerous situation. You certainly have to figure out filtering out negative comments. You must do what’s fair and right for your husband.
One thing I warn couples about is what I have called “The Wedge”. It’s a very dangerous thing… it has destroyed “good” relationships. It has divided families and obliterated what were happy homes. I do my best to prepare couples to defend themselves prudently against The Wedge. It’s another reason I insist that couples get premarital counselling — invest in information and learning prior to tying the knot. You won’t know what you don’t know without some help. Your situation is exactly a case in point. You should have been better prepared to defend your husband against The Wedge.
What is The Wedge? The Wedge is exactly the situation that you describe. The Wedge is unfair and negative comments made by family and friends about a spouse. It is the comments made that end up as gnawing thoughts, that divide you both, comments that work to tear you both apart. Statements that include such words as you’ve said, “low value”, “not good stock”, “dim”. Those are quite toxic and divisive.
You’ve said something telling: “They warned me… because they fear”. Comments based solely on fear often don’t result in sound advice. And unfortunately, fear is contagious, and now it sounds like you are also reeling from a case of fear. I would say be careful to defend your marriage. Protect your husband from those views. It is important to have the blessing of a father and mother. But it must be known, not every parent is mature. You can get past this folly of theirs by learning to filter out their negative comments. Do as you’ve done, get other advice. Seek advice from mature, knowledgeable sources. And do everything to be a support to your husband.
The Bible says, “The aged women likewise… teachers of good things… That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children” (Titus 2:3-4). Note the point in the quote, “Teach… to love…”. There are things to be learnt, in order for a relationship to survive, to be healthy. Wives often have to learn how to love (that is, support, encourage, comfort, affirm, etc) their husbands. Here’s a learning opportunity for you.
Unfortunately, not all parents, siblings, friends, etc, can aptly teach on issues of love and marriage. They will offer advice, but some unfortunately will spout negative comments based on their own biases, bitterness, or relational baggage. And handling this thing, which I have dubbed The Wedge, is one thing you both must learn. Your “family” is now your spouse and your children, all others are relatives. Shield each other from toxic comments of relatives and friends.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
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