Taming tempers

EVEN little people have big tempers. They resort to kicking and screaming every time they get angry or simply can’t have their way. And while as a parent you’ll sometimes feel like a failure when your child has a meltdown, especially in public, clinical psychologist Dr Pearnel Bell says that not only is this a natural part of growing up, but you can tame your child’s temper by following a few simple steps.

“Children tend to begin to display a temper consistently at the age of two years. This is because at two the child is developing locomotion and some level of independence,” Dr Bell said.

She underscored that at this stage of development children are discovering the world around them, and do not yet have the language skills to effectively explain their feelings or to adequately say what they want. Temper tantrums, she says, are also characteristic of a period that many children experience and parents dread. This stage is called “the terrible twos”.

So how should parents handle it?

1.“If the child is allowed to throw tantrums repeatedly without proper control, it could lead to an overuse of temper/anger to get what the child wants. It is at this early stage that parents should at times ignore a temper tantrum, as the child will soon learn that if they throw a tantrum the parent will not attend to them in that state.” Dr Bell said that the parent/s can try to address the child’s concern when the tantrum stops. This will teach the child that the only time they will get attention or what they want is when appropriate behaviour is demonstrated.

2. “If the child continues after age two to display frequent angry outbursts, this should merit the attention of a professional to investigate whether there are physiological or psychosocial reasons for this behaviour,” Dr Bell advised. She said that your child could be suffering from a number of conditions including attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and the sooner the problem is identified, the sooner the child will be able to get the required help to learn self-control.

3. “Children should be taught that all emotions are appropriate and should be used appropriately. The issue arises when one emotion is overused, demonstrating levels of emotional disturbance,” Dr Bell said.

4. Give them time to time to think about what they did. Dr Bell said that you could tell them stories that encourage patience and empathy, and that discourage violence. Put soothing, calming music (preferably semi-classical) and other calming activities in the area where you send the child for time out.

5.. “Parents should reason with children about how they are feeling, and they should be allowed to express their feelings. Children can be helped to see the consequences of overusing anger or frequent temper outbursts. They should also be helped to channel their energies into more useful ways of engaging,” Dr Bell said. She notes that children can express how they feel in their drawings or writings, or by whatever other methods they feel most comfortable with.

6. Teach them techniques to help them calm down — techniques such as breathing exercises or counting.

7. When they show self-control, acknowledge it. That way they are always reminded of the behaviour that is acceptable to you. When this is done in contrast to you ignoring them or giving them a time out when their behaviour is unacceptable, they will begin to understand what is expected of them.

8. One thing that parents often forget is that children imitate whatever behaviours they see around them. So the next time you decide to tell your friend off or you are having a domestic disagreement, don’t do it in front of the child. You should also try some of the techniques you are teaching your child, if you find yourself struggling to control your own temper.