Will lukewarm sex inevitably end a relationship?
ONLY someone who has had the experience can appreciate how sexually frustrating it is when your partner fails to satisfy you. It is even more irritating when they are so sure of their prowess that they brag about it, and what’s worse is when the suffering partner has to face criticism from others if they decide to stray, because often the partner who is not delivering is of good character otherwise.
But some say that suffering in silence should be classified as a form of abuse. In fact, lots of people remain with their partners for years despite deriving no sexual pleasure from those tepid relationships. And because some people fear that their partners may not take the news well, they continue to suffer in silence.
So what do you do with a partner who is scoring less than one out of 10 in bed? Do you find creative ways to deal with mediocre sex — from locking shop indefinitely, to lying, to fantasising about intimacy with an accomplished lover? Or do you plan your exit because you believe that third-rate sex is ample justification to end a relationship?
According to sexologist Dr Sidney McGill, bad sex is subjective, because people have different sexual needs. An example of this is oral sex, where in many instances the woman enjoys the pleasure she gets from the act but her partner refuses to do it, though he expects her to satisfy him. And not being able to work on improving their ‘bad sex’ problems can force a couple to go their separate ways.
In Dr McGill’s view, mediocre sex can end a relationship depending on the mindset of the couple, their sexual desires, and how they perceive satisfaction. If the love is strong, then that love can override the lukewarm sex and keep the relationship going. However, these issues can make one partner want to end the relationship out of frustration, or because they are giving up one thing for another; for example, in exchange for a stable family unit, they expect to be rewarded for their sacrifice.
Dr McGill said these problems can sometimes be resolved with a visit to a trained professional.
In some cases the issue might be health-related; for example, premature ejaculation on the part of the man, or psychological issues that prevent the woman from responding. Such cases would require the intervention of a clinical sexologist, a urologist or a gynaecologist.
Sex therapy could also be explored. Your therapist will help you work through emotional issues. Sex therapy typically begins with learning about performance anxiety, and then moves on to teaching a couple how to establish open lines of communication to discuss their sexual wants and needs.
Ultimately, however, a couple’s decision to stay together will depend on their mutual respect, their history, and the strength of their bond as a family.
— FALON FOLKES
