Talking to your child about abuse

THE thought of talking to your child about sexual abuse can be quite a daunting prospect. It’s as if you’re about to strip away a child’s innocence on both a physical and emotional level. But clinical psychologist Dr Pearnel Bell argues that the earlier you engage them in this talk, the more protection you will offer them.

“This is a very important conversation to have in view of the prevalence of sexual abuse in Jamaica. This conversation could start as early as age three or four, because not only can children understand what you are telling them, but based on their response you can easily identify what is happening to them, and they are able to share with you if they feel violated,” said Dr Bell.

She reasoned that conversations should be built on the fundamental basics of “good touch and bad touch”, but parents must first identify their children’s body parts, using the correct terminology for each. Also, you should point out to your child which areas are private and encourage them to tell you if anyone, including close family members and friends, touches them on these areas outside of when the person is providing care.

“The child should be told what to do in the event anyone touches him/her inappropriately. For example, you should tell your child to speak with you or someone they trust as soon possible. Encourage them to share information with you, regardless of what the molester may have told them, because you will protect them and they won’t get in trouble for confiding in you,” Dr Bell advised.

To better guide your children, and to ensure that you find out about sexual abuse early, Dr Bell shares some tips on how to help your child.

1. Find the best way to teach your child about sexual abuse

To best help your toddler to understand child abuse, you must use simple, age-appropriate language. “This can be done by directly talking or reading a storybook to the child. A book I have written, Adventures of Curious Jay with Dr Bird, for example, outlines and takes parents through the conversations they need to have, and so if you are unsure about the nature of the conversation you need to have or how to engage the child, a book like this gives appropriate guidance,” Dr Bell advised.

2. Teach your child to say no

‘No’ is a powerful word. Your child should be armed with it and be ready to use it at will, especially when it comes to matters of his/her body. Encourage your child to tell you whether they have ever had to tell anyone ‘no’ about touching their private parts.

3. Never force your child to show affection

Of course your child is meeting uncle for the first time and you want him/her to show uncle some love, but remember that you could be causing your child to feel that it is okay to indulge in an unpleasant or uncomfortable interaction. If your child doesn’t want to hug or kiss uncle, respect their wishes.

4. Make clear distinctions between good and bad touch

It is important to teach children that no one, not even the parents or caregiver, is allowed to touch them unless it is for hygienic, safety or health purposes. Even with this, the child should be taught that he/she has the right to ask the individual, even you as the parent, to stop if it hurts.

5. No secrets

Always tell your child that he/she should not keep secrets, especially about body parts or people touching them inappropriately. “Your child should be taught that if someone does something, for example, touches them and asks them not to share it, [that is wrong],” Dr Bell said. If in doubt, teach your child that a secret is still a secret when shared with parents.

6. Not only strangers will touch you inappropriately

One mistake that parents and educators often make is assuming that everyone close to the child is safe (mother, father, siblings, other relatives and family friends). This has proven time and again to be far from the truth. In fact, a very high percentage of molesters are often known to the child. “Let the child know that not only strangers will touch them inappropriately, but even persons they may know, so they should not be afraid to disclose this,” Dr Bell said.

7. Always listen to your child

If your child comes to you and is trying to talk to you, make time for him/her. It is important that you encourage your children to share their concerns with you. Never disregard what your child is saying because the following could result: the child will lose faith in you: will never share anything inappropriate that is being done to him/her; or will believe that whatever is being done is acceptable.

8. Build scenarios

If you are not sure that your child understands your talks about sexual abuse, you can from time to time ask little questions to get their reaction. For example, you could ask, ‘What would you do if you are touched in a way that you don’t like on your private area?’

Importantly, Dr Bell said that parents should be reminded that a child who has been violated must understand that it is never his/her fault. They should know that it is the fault of the person who tried to hurt them, and they should be commended for bravery in speaking up.