How to date again after the last guy broke your heart

THERE is no quick-fix for a heartbreak and starting over certainly is no small feat. And it’s easy to consume yourself with details of the betrayal — to try to figure things out even though you may never find the answers. And though it may seem far from possible, relationship counsellor Wayne Powell says that not only is there life after a break-up, but there is love too.

Below he shares how you can move past your heartbreak and learn to love again.

First, you just have to deal with it

Sometimes we deal with a heartbreak poorly or we find distractions not to deal with it at all, but the healthy thing would be to allow your body to go through the natural processes. “A failed relationship can be a traumatic experience for one or both partners to go through, [but you have to embrace] the five stages of grief, that is shock, denial, anger, sadness and acceptance,” Powell advised.

Shock: I am surprised by the turn of events. I was not expecting this.

Denial: I don’t believe that he/she has walked out on me.

Anger: How dare you treat me this way? It nah go so!

Sadness: I can’t live if living is without you.

Acceptance: I am ready to move on with my life.

He advised that each of these stages is important as the next, so it is important to appreciate each.

Give yourself time to reflect on the root cause of the break-up

No, this is not where you get to beat up or blame yourself or your partner. This is more of a rational place where you analyse the little things that may have fed the monster which led to the break-up. Also, this stage can incorporate whether they were warning signs that the root problem was becoming a huge barrier in your relationship. Explore if there were ways it could have been addressed earlier on.

Do an honest self-evaluation

A self-evaluation is very important for you to move on from a heartbreak. You want to make sure that you are a better, not a bitter person moving on. Ask yourself, “Is there something I have done or never did that prompted this action?” This will help you to identify things about yourself that you could tweak that will not only make you a better person, but a better partner.

Avoid sharing your hurt with someone who may have a vested interest

Of course, there is always that person who is so into you that they are willing to take advantage of your fragile emotional state. Be sure that the person is genuine in offering a shoulder to lean on.

Surround yourself with a positive, supportive team

This is a very difficult time for anybody who has had their heart broken. This can significantly influence your response and your management of your situation. The more positive your team is, the speedier your recovery time may be.

Use the opportunity to explore new hobbies and creative activities

Take the time out to get to know yourself, to appreciate yourself and to reconnect with yourself. This will help you to take your mind off your heartbreak and you will be feeding your energy to activities that you like and may not have been able to do. This is a very healthy kind of therapy.

Don’t be angry, be happy

The break-up may just be a blessing in disguise.

It’s hard to be happy when you feel like your world is upside down, but usually, this means that you or your partner was in an unhappy place and or had toxic tendencies. This is your opportunity to start a new happy, healthy relationship.

Use the opportunity to re-establish the tenets of your next relationship

What is most important to you in a relationship? Love, respect, honesty, integrity, loyalty? Reflection is good, especially if many of them have been trampled on. Remind yourself of what is important to you so that when you move on, you can set them out so that the other person can decide whether they are ready for that kind of commitment.

Give yourself at least a year to fully exhaust the grieving process

It’s a given you will feel lonely and you will want intimacy, but you may not want that to be the point from which you want to choose your next partner, or you may end up hurting someone because he/she may be nothing but a rebound. Also, allowing yourself to heal guarantees that you are offering your best self to this new relationship. Additionally, you will be in a better position to choose your new partner, having already figured out what exactly it is that you are looking for in a partner.