When to introduce him to your kids

GETTING to know someone new after a break-up is a big deal for many women, and when children are in the picture you no longer get to consider yourself alone. And while you may be head over heels in love with your new find, there are some things that you ought to carefully think through, and one of these, according to clinical psychologist Dr Pearnel Bell, is when is the right time to introduce your beau to your children.

“Children are impressionable beings, and as such we have to vet carefully who we allow into their personal space. As parents it is your responsibility to make sure that your children, as well as the person that you are dating, are adequately prepared to meet each other,” Dr Bell advised.

Dr Bell said that there are a number of things that as a parent you should consider when contemplating introducing your special someone to your children.

1. Go slowly

Yes, you like him and he seems like a good person, but be sure that things are serious, that he is exclusive and is willing to meet and get to know your children before you introduce him to them. Taking it slow also reduces the risk of children having attachment issues.

2. Have a talk with your children first

Don’t push your partner on the kids; they might be little people but they should be given the utmost respect. So talk to them about the partner, ask them if it’s okay for you, the partner or them to have dinner together or another activity that is preferably not in the personal space (home).

3. Make it clear from the get-go that you aren’t trying to replace their father

When children see a man around you and then you introduce him to them, they might start to think that you want to replace their father and start rebelling. So make sure you have the talk beforehand.

4. Be reasonable in your expectations

Know beforehand that your children may not be excited to meet or “fall in love” with your new partner simply because you are enthralled with him. Give them some time.

Dr Patrice Charles-Freeman, executive director of the National Parenting Support Commission, agrees that proper care must be taken when introducing children to new partners.

“Following a divorce or a break-up, a parent will definitely consider his or her own happiness and desire for companionship. However, once children are in the picture, and especially if it is your intention to take this new partner in your private space, you must ask yourself and this new partner pertinent questions,” Dr Charles-Freeman said.

She said that before introducing your partner to your children, they must have satisfactory responses to the questions below:

•Are we exclusive, and are we a couple or am I just a fling?

•What is the scope of your commitment to me?

•Do you love children and are you open to getting to know them, or would you prefer not getting to know them?

She said preparing the children is equally important, and their feelings should be taken into consideration.

“You should know your children, engage them in an age-appropriate conversation, and try to explain the new arrangement as best as you can. You don’t want to cause confusion for them. Confusion happens quite easily, especially since children see men close to their moms as threatening to take daddy’s place,” she explained.

Dr Charles-Freeman said parents must put measures in place to protect the interest of their children, while also ensuring their own happiness. She advised parents who engage in casual dating to refrain from inviting dates into their personal space or exposing the children to any intimacy.

Below are other recommendations that Dr Charles-Freeman shared:

•Never tell the children that the new partner is their uncle or auntie because of the associated protector image associated.

•Never force your children on someone who doesn’t want to be a part of their life.

•Don’t force your children to call the man ‘daddy’.

•Take note of the relationship between the children and the new partner without imposing.

•Engage your partner in conversations on topics such as disciplinary style so that they don’t contradict your established principles.

VERY IMPORTANT: Do not let your partner discipline your children.