10 steps to being a good parent

THERE is no true measure for who or what a good parent is; however, one thing is certain: the quality of your parenting is not measured by how much money you can give to your children, or how expensive a gift you can buy. In fact, while clinical psychologist Dr Pearnel Bell agrees there is no one rubric used to define a good parent, there are a number of pertinent qualities that you could use to judge how good a parent you are.

Below, Dr Bell, using a 10-step guide, has shared some tips on how you can improve your parenting skills or position yourself to become a good parent.

1. It is important to love your child abundantly

As a parent, love is the most important gift that you can give a child; it spans being kind, being gentle, being caring, being understanding and being firm. It means that you will make the best decisions for him/her even if it means he/she will dislike you for a moment. And apart from the actions, it means reminding your child of this as often as you can, ideally at least once daily. Reinforcing this will always reduce the chances of your child searching for it in the wrong places or with the wrong people.

2. Nurture your child’s self-esteem

In order to build self-esteem, Dr Bell said that you must focus on bringing forward the best representation of your child, because a child’s personality is dependent on the way their parents see them. This means that you have to speak positively to your children, trust them, support them, encourage them, especially after something discouraging happens, and always be your child’s biggest cheerleader. Speak to your child with love, and acknowledge and reward achievements. These are guaranteed to greatly influence your child’s personality and will help to build self-confidence and self-sufficiency.

3. Provide encouragement, not praise

“Praise tends to examine the end product, while encouragement looks at the process and effort the child makes,” Dr Bell said. She underscores that this sends a message that you don’t appreciate the time invested and the effort made. This can also put undue pressure on the child.

4. Teach and uphold discipline always

“Discipline in the truest sense of the word is to teach important lessons. Discipline should be done in love,” Dr Bell advised. She said that that process allows children and parents to come to an understanding of what is acceptable and what is not, and should never be an exercise used to instil fear. She said that discipline should never be done in anger; instead she said you should focus on the behaviour. Also, at the end of the disciplinary exercise the children should not feel blamed or criticised; instead they should genuinely feel that they never want to act out of character or be rude again.

5. Spend quality time with your children

Have you ever seen how most children’s eyes light up when they see their parents even after just an hour of separation? Children need to maintain that bond with parents as much as many new parents are eager to bond with the children. You should always have a special time set aside as bonding time – to do the things that your children like to do.

6. Be a role model to your children

Be an example for your children. Always exhibit the kind of behaviour that you would want your children to follow. Young children are very impressionable, so you should try not to use unsavoury language around them. Also try not to shout or get angry in their presence, as they will believe it is acceptable.

7. Encourage open communication

Your children should know from very early on that you provide the best and safest place to share just about everything. Dr Bell said that parents should encourage this communication by listening and reasoning with children. Also, never be frightened or show that you are angry by what you hear; instead use it as an opportunity and a teachable moment to guide your children.

8. Be flexible in parenting

“A rigid parent blocks open communication,” Dr Bell advised. Allow your children to make mistakes, as they will learn from them. Stop saying no to every little adventure your child wants to embark on, unless there is no real security or if there is imminent danger. When your children make their own mistakes or have their own experiences, they value the lessons more and can use them to better equip themselves for any future challenges they may encounter.

9. Learn to trust your gut

As parents you know your children well, and experts say that most times when parents believe something is not quite right with their children, then chances are they’re right. No matter what age or aspect of life, go with what feels right.

10. Don’t act as if you are superhuman

In parenting you must be aware of your limitations. As a parent, you are by no means perfect. All parents have strong and weak areas, so do not be intimidated because you may see other parents being strong in areas where you are weak, or parents who point out your weaknesses. Instead, use the opportunity to strengthen your weaknesses. Seek outside help if you need it, because being at your best to help your children should take priority.