Blending families

NOT all blended families are like the Brady Bunch where getting along seems effortless. Much work has to go into making things work, as finding the right groove can be particularly difficult. And while achieving a stable, healthy family may take some time, especially when stepchildren are involved, clinical psychologist Dr Pearnel Bell said that this does not have to be as difficult if the right choices are made from the beginning.

“Blended families face many challenges as this involves the merging of two families. The first order of business is for both parents to acknowledge and accept that blending families is a challenge, and secondly, acknowledge that both will have to be working from the same playing field in order to avoid conflict or confusion especially when children are involved,” Dr Bell explained.

Stacy-Ann Smith, associate therapist at Family Life Ministries, said that once the parties involved understand that with the two different families there will be different expectations and challenges, with patience and togetherness the arrangement can work.

Below they explain ways you can make your blended family work.

1. Come up with a plan

Smith said this plan should explore the role of each parent, what kind of access will the extended family have with the children, and what are the long-term goals of the family.

“How will you address sibling rivalry, scheduling, any legal issues? Instead of waiting until things happen and having to react, be proactive with the planning. Discussions about these things should happen before marriage and before you get to the point of being married. These discussions should have pre-eminence in the relationship as they are a critical part of any relationship,” Smith said.

2. Empathise with the children

This is a new experience for them and it is important as adults to think about what it would feel like if you were in the child’s situation.

“Children sometimes have these long-lasting hopes of seeing their biological parents reunite and even for those who acknowledge that yes my parents probably didn’t do well when they were together, they still have to deal with step-siblings and new cousins they didn’t have before. Empathise with them, talk with them, check in on them, see how they are doing, how it’s affecting them, ask if they have any questions and give answers as best as you can,” Smith said.

3. Work out the dynamic of the new family

Both parents should sit and discuss how merging will work. They will need to explore crucial areas of the family such as disciplinary strategies, who will discipline, arrange how the other parents will be involved in the children’s lives, expectations from children, chores, finances, family activities and even interaction with other family and the arrangements for visitation.

4. Discuss how grandparents and other family members will be involved

Grandparents often love spending time with children, and even though you are no longer with the mother or father of your children, the grandparents will still want to be involved in the life of the child. This discussion should be had free of arguments.

5. Each step-parent should work on a relationship with their stepchild

Both parents should build an alliance with their stepchild. You should work on assuring them of your commitment as a parent. You will also want to make it clear that you are not trying to upstage or replace the other parent.

6. Clear rules should be established

A common challenge with blended families is deciding on discipline and rules that children and adults alike are expected to follow.

“There shouldn’t be an issue of disparity within the homes. It shouldn’t be that when they come to your house they are in jail, but when they go to the other parent’s house it’s like funland. Have an agreement and tell them how you intend to enforce discipline, what it looks like, who will be the disciplinarian, whether you are OK with the step-parents disciplining the child,” Smith said.

She also pointed out that it is important to work in alliance with your former partner.

“It makes no sense in this new blended family you have created that you distance yourself or disregard the role the former partner plays in all of this. Look at the example of Will Smith, his former wife, and Jada — they all coexist. It’s a good example of what it could look like.”

7. Plan activities so that the new family members can bond

Arrange activities such as movies, dinners, family parties (for internal members), play games that will highlight similarities in children, for example, and help them to find ways to resolve issues that could potentially cause conflict.

Notably, Dr Bell said it is important that you take it slowly, as there may be many challenging days and sometimes things simply will not work as you expect. She said that what you will need to do is to always be ready to go back to the drawing board and work on a new plan, while improving previous solutions.