Cheated on while pregnant – the worst betrayal

MOST women imagine that their pregnancies will be filled with blissful experiences, with the greatest challenges being finding appropriate maternity wear or the perfect colour for the child’s nursery. But for women whose partners are unfaithful during their pregnancies, this adds a level of discomfort that can have the pregnancy experience being tainted by painful memories.

Why is this betrayal worse than any other episodes of unfaithfulness? The women who have experienced it say that it’s a double deception — to them and their unborn children.

Tennie, 38, shopkeeper:

Well, when I found out, my husband said that because I had struggled with fertility problems for so long, when I got pregnant I put him on the back-burner. He said that I did not give him any love or sex or attention and he had feelings, so he had to get it from somewhere because he would go mad otherwise. The worst part it is that this man had called me barren before because I was not having children, and all I was trying to do was make it a safe pregnancy for our child because I was high risk. The stress of knowing he was cheating caused me to miscarry. Thankfully, I was able to carry a child two years after, not with him though, because feeling like you are less than woman, like your sacrifice means nothing to somebody, like you are an obstacle to your man, cannot be good for somebody’s health.

Jackie, 32, operator:

Well, I knew that my boyfriend cheated on me in the past, but I didn’t think that when I was carrying our child he would think about doing something like that. He would go to the ends of the Earth to make sure he got what was necessary to satisfy my cravings, and he would do nice things, but at other times he would have his family stay with me while he was out with someone else. I figured out that the woman was the reason he didn’t have time to spend with me and the baby because he always had to “work”. It upset me because if I was in his shoes, I would want to spend all the time that I could with my other half. It made me feel at times like he didn’t want to be with us.

Abigail, 29, teacher:

I found out when I was about 18 weeks pregnant that my fiancé was actively cheating on me. What made it worse was that he was doing it with the other person I believed was in my corner; she was to be the bridesmaid at my wedding. She was my closest friend at the time and she knew that I felt like my fiancé was not as attracted to me because of the pregnancy changes, and I expressed similar concerns to him too. They obviously didn’t care and while my fiancé was remorseful when I found out, she wasn’t, she just avoided me. I never felt more betrayed. I felt like the world was conspiring against me. I was dropping pounds, even ended up having to see a psychotherapist because of how deeply wounded I was. I didn’t know how to look at my partner for months, my skin cringed at his touch, and I felt no attraction to him. It wasn’t until after our child was born that I could forgive him. Thank God that my baby is healthy in spite of everything.

Althea, 36, programme specialist:

When a woman is pregnant she is experiencing a whirlwind of changes and more than any other time in her life she needs the support of her spouse. My ex-husband was not just a therapist, he was a Christian man and had full knowledge of the kind of partner I would need to keep me healthy in pregnancy. I came to find out that he was cheating on and off before I got pregnant, but I thought that knowing how rough my pregnancy was, he would be dedicated to me and the baby. I can tell you though that it was very stressful for me — sleepless nights, panic attacks, hyperventilating. I was having nightmares and I was in a dark place. I don’t know if it was this rough on me because of the pregnancy and the emotions, but I felt like I was carrying a child for a man who had no respect for me.

Janelle, 31, realtor:

When a man cheats on you while pregnant it is the worst thing knowing that you are carrying the DNA of someone so doggish inside of you. I thought about having an abortion, I honestly did, because I wanted to purge myself of him. It’s really crazy how betrayal can take you to a very low place. I didn’t stay there though because I couldn’t make him win. His very actions made me want to do more for myself and with myself but all my activities were taking a toll on my body. I may have been able to afford nice things but I was lacking what was most important — support — because I had shut out the world and I was angry with everyone. I would eventually end up having my son pre-term, and it was my fault. I would have much preferred being cheated on when I wasn’t pregnant, not because of my feelings alone, but because I ended up putting the life of a beautiful human being at risk.