Red flags I overlooked before marriage

SOMETIMES we are so hypnotised by love or the idea of marriage — the dress, the ring and the big day — that we push our doubts to the back of our minds, totally ignoring that what truly matters are the events which follow the moment we say ‘I do’. And while some people are great actors and manage to hide their true colours, others give off subtle and not so subtle red flags that are often overlooked in the build-up to the big day.

All Woman asked some married and divorced people to share some of the red flags that they overlooked before marriage. Here are their stories:

Tory, 32, communications specialist:

After about four years together I found out that my boyfriend had cheated twice and it concerned me very much. But he seemed to have been committed to the relationship and I forgave him, I mean everything else was good with us so I decided that we would fight for our relationship. Fast forward to about three and a half years ago, we were now married and I found out that he had cheated and was cheating still and even based on the timeline of the messages, it also happened when I was pregnant with our son. I was so crushed but I also blamed myself because the signs were there but I still decided to tie myself to it.

Catherine, 52, business owner:

Before I got married I encouraged my husband to finish school and stuff, as without an education, in this country, you are basically doomed. He didn’t follow through until he was nearly 45. No problem with that, but the issue was that I had to be holding the family together. The only thing he paid was the light bill. I took care of the boys, the food, the house, and still had to put clothes on his back because his salary was almost nothing and even with the side hustles he never did stretch an extra hand. Now, to fund school he has taken out many loans at his age and now he is asking me to chip in to help him when he does not know how his sons’ university tuition are paid. I feel like I have a third child but I should have known from how comfortable he was with me always having to buy groceries for his apartment when we were dating, and how easy it was for him to ask me for a ‘make-up’ to go to some interview or something. The signs were there. Most days I just wish I could get a do-over; the only thing I don’t regret is my children.

Leroy, 34, financial advisor:

Sometimes when you love people you make great big sacrifices but when you do this you have to be careful that they are not trying to manipulate you. I was married for four years to a girl I was talking to for about eight months. From the get-go, I knew she had good and not so good qualities from her body language and things she or even her friends would say. After we married I realised a pattern was following us — everything had to be her way or she would throw a tantrum, pack up and go to friends or her mom or wherever, just like she would do when we had an argument while she was just my girlfriend. Also, she can spend all the time with her friends but the minute the boys and I want to go and chill out, I “never have time for” her, or she made plans for us to do something which of course is just another reason to spend more of MY money. She came into the relationship unemployed and still doesn’t want to work even though she has a degree. And when she works, you never see the money and she never contributes to the house. I wish I had just listened to my gut and the guys.

John, customer service supervisor, 37:

I met my partner at a party; she seemed like a really good girl, full of life and just loved adventure. I was attracted to her warm personality. The one thing I failed to take full account of was that partying was more than a hobby for her — it was a lifestyle and she had no intention of stopping. Her mouth said she would, but not her eyes, and I should have known better. In addition to the partying, she had problems holding down a job which was linked to the partying, and her financial situation was undoubtedly a mess. She carried all that irresponsibility into the marriage. She cooked and cleaned and such and she is a very good mother to our one-year-old, but the house money is spent on trivial things, she still wants to go out every night like she is still unattached, and she says because I met her being like that I should be okay with it. I’ve had to start hiding money so we can save for a rainy day. I love her, but I am fed up.

Abby, legal assistant, 36:

He would say things like “shut up”, but in a joking tone (even in front of people), or he would drive off after our dates before we got inside. He had a terrible relationship with his mom and I had to coax him to see his children. Turns out that while he pretended to be Prince Charming and he showered me with everything and really did support me, I would be living what all the other women in his life were going through — the abusive language got worse, he tried guilting me about everything, and every time we had a disagreement he was out the door. I got fed up and it didn’t take long for us to get a divorce, though he gave me hell to sign the papers.