Co-parenting made easy

CO-PARENTING describes an arrangement made by the parents of a child or children, who are not living together, to work as a team to ensure that both parents have a hand in raising the children. This decision, which clinical psychologist Dr Pearnel Bell says should be encouraged, will, of course, come with challenges; however the sacrifice, she says, is worth it.

“When co-parenting, both parents should first recognise the importance of their separate roles in the child’s life. Each parent has his/her unique purpose and role in helping to ensure that they help to mould, encourage and inspire the best version of their child possible, and learn not to make personal conflicts get in the way of that,” Dr Bell advised.

She said that while in many cases co-parenting may seem difficult, especially in cases where the parents are estranged, parents must acknowledge that the children should be front and centre and should not have to suffer because of their lack of maturity. She noted that there are some guidelines on co-parenting that can not only help to prepare you, but better help you to manage as a co-parent. She shares some tips below:

Co-parenting requires maturity

One of the fundamental reasons why many attempts at co-parenting fail is because of the inability of parents to grow up. “Too many times parents allow personal matters and dislike for each other to affect the child. Learn that whatever happened between you two is no longer important, and there is a child or children who you are causing to suffer if you insist on playing games,” Dr Bell warned.

Communication is important

You might not like your co-parent and that is okay, but don’t allow this to become a roadblock. Always leave a window for communication and ensure that you talk as often as you can; double- check things so that you are always on the same page. Dr Bell reasons that this is one of the most effective ways of ensuring that co-parenting is effective. Things to consider include listening, making requests instead of dictating, not reacting, and using the business tone when sending all forms of communication.

Know that it will not be easy

Even when parents live together parenting is not easy, so Dr Bell recommends that you might want to prepare for some turbulence. “There will be issues and disagreements on parenting decisions, but just remain level-headed and deal with them,” Dr Bell advised.

Never make the other parent out to be bad

It is tempting and many parents fall into a trap where they find they want to be the child’s favourite parent and may sometimes even end up throwing the other parent under the bus, intentionally or unintentionally. Dr Bell said that you want to stay away from this unhealthy situation.

Work out a schedule

It is much easier if you just work out a schedule and agree to it, so you want to look at holidays and how they will be spent, activities, and even outside of that time, what parent will have the child. Dr Bell said that this reduces incidences of conflict.

Acknowledge that other people will be around your child/children

No matter how long a co-parent may be single for, chances are that you both will get back in the dating ring. It is important for you to discuss who will be around your child, the appropriate time to meet new partners, and what he/she is not allowed to do, for example discipline your child.

You will need to make big decisions

Well, everything about your child is a big deal, but there are some important decisions that parents will need to consider and decide on, including education, medical care, and financial issues. All of these components, Dr Bell said, have the potential to rub all involved the wrong way and so parents should sit and pencil out concerns, suggestions and recommendations before and after discussions are had to make reaching a compromise easier.

You will have to compromise

There will be moments that you disagree, but for the sake of your child and in the interest of maintaining a healthy co-parenting relationship you simply cannot always have your way. The interests, suggestions and desires of the other partner are also valid, even if the child is with you more. Once these decisions don’t put your child in harm’s way, then it is worth considering and altering your plans.

Understand that children are smart

One of the challenges of co-parenting is that children are aware that mom and dad aren’t living together, and if you don’t get along with each other the children can manipulate the situation. Children will tell you that mom allows this or dad said that and cause tension between you, and so it is important that you never attack a co-parent based on the accounts given by a child and also never get your child involved in your adult affairs. The child does not have to know that mommy and daddy are upset with each other.

Do not force your child into the middle of disagreements

Never ever use your child to send messages to your ex. If you don’t want to talk, send a text or e-mail. The child is not a middleman. Also, do not speak negatively about the other parent or try to get your child to side with you.