Candid marriage confessions after 1, 5, 10 years

WHEN you decide to get married, you envision a relationship — a friendship that will last “until death do us part” like you vowed. For many people, the first few years are bliss — an extension of the honeymoon where serenity is the order of the day, and plans and dreams are planted for the future. But things and times change as the years go by, and while some couples weather the storms that come with their marriage, there are others who walk the road that an increasing number of couples are trekking — divorce.

What is the state of your union currently? Have you enjoyed the first years’ bliss, or were things tumultuous from the get-go? We asked couples who have been married for different periods to give candid confessions about the state of their unions.

ONE YEAR: “I think we got married for all the wrong reasons”

Marvin, 31, artist:

I’ve been married for just over a year and many days I wish I had had better guidance before making this big jump. I think we got married for all the wrong reasons and it’s haunting us. I get the feeling that I am not the only one feeling regretful but I don’t even know how to say it to my wife. I just make sure I do all the things a man should for his wife because even if we don’t survive she would not have a bad marital experience, at least not at my hands.

Tania, 37, PR practitioner:

The first few months were good — I even told a counsellor that adapting to marriage was no big deal, as it was just an extension of our friendship. But so much has happened since then that has caused me — and I figure him too — to have so many regrets after just a year and a half. I thought I knew him after two and a half years of dating, but buying a house and car together and going through the day-to-day drudgery is difficult. We don’t see eye to eye anymore, we hardly talk to each other, I judge him for not being my equal financially or intellectually, and I long for escape. People look at us and think that we’re the perfect couple, but we’ve turned out to be so different than what I expected. My marriage was a mistake, and I know he thinks that way too.

FIVE YEARS: “My marriage is like a job I don’t like”

Denise, 40, sales representative:

I have been married five years and I will tell you that marriage is overrated. The challenges of our relationship which I thought would have been fixed with counselling just flowed over, but I made a commitment before God and I can’t just leave. And to be honest, I love this man. I just don’t know how long I can remain sane with a man who behaves like a child, cheats consistently, and still has not acted on a single goal that we worked out together. It is tiring; my marriage is like a job I don’t like.

Shernette, 37, marketing consultant:

Integrity has always been the hallmark of every relationship that I have been in. I am with my husband because he is the closest I’ve got to that — far from perfect but he will be truthful and honest regardless of the consequences and I think that is why five years have been so good for us despite the hiccups. Our motto is never you go to bed angry, protect the health of each other, and always speak the truth. Some days, I will tell you the truth, are bitter and difficult to digest, and I have thought about walking away more times than the number of years that we have been married. But we work. The chemistry is good and I would choose him again, honestly.

TEN YEARS: “There is nothing left in my marriage; it is just a shell…”

Ann-Marie, 38, business development manager:

I have been married for 10 years and if I tell you that I didn’t ever feel like giving up, I would be lying. My husband is a good man, a provider, a solid source of support and a good friend. I can say this now but six years ago I couldn’t because the man had changed on me. People said that they “fixed” him so I had to go deep in prayer for him to get released. God had to help me save my marriage from the distractions of the world when my husband turned his back on me and the kids, and lost himself. But thank God for Jesus, he found himself and today is the man I fell in love with again.

Matthew 48, contractor:

For four of our 10 years of marriage my wife cheated on me with a man in my community. She would leave our martial home — with our two children behind, our youngest barely weaned — and went to spend days with the man. Everytime I went for her she would behave for a month or two but would still find some time, no matter how small, to go see the man. It became a cycle and to be honest it didn’t matter to me, soon I just wanted her to be there for the kids. She made me hate her. Now I’m in a similar position — I have been basically living with another woman while taking care of my home. There is nothing left in my marriage; it is just a shell that I am maintaining for the sake of family. I think I am officially ready to move on.