‘Dear prospective husband…’

IN listing their requirements for a ‘wife’ or long-term mate, those men with values steeped in patriarchy will have a comprehensive list of their wants and don’t wants — she should be virginal, be a prayer warrior, know how to cook, not wear fake nails or make-up, and of course, know how to care for kids, all the while looking presentable. And no matter the fact that society has evolved, for some male brains, even in 2018 this list or parts of it still holds true, no compromise.

But what if the situation was reversed and women should really make a comparable list of what they require in prospective husbands? Can he do all the ‘manly’ duties like fix a leaking pipe, protect her from a gunman, and kill a flying cockroach? Can he mix and pour cement for the patio, change a light bulb, service her car and mow the lawn? And if not, and he’s going to hire someone to do all that, then why not hire a maid too while he’s at it? Below, women seek to reverse the rules and state their list of demands for their prospective husbands, in an effort to highlight how silly the prospective wife rules are.

Allison, 47, legal aid lawyer:

A week ago I had to call a family friend who lived 45 minutes away to catch a mouse that was in the bathroom. I need a man who is able to drop anything that he is doing to come and rescue me from any species that is in my space even if it means travelling across countries. He should be available to me 24/7 and I expect him to be romance novel-level romantic.

Jenieve, 51, business developer:

A man should know how to use a machete. He should also be willing to give up his sports days to help with his family or for family outings. He should also be the one to financially support the needs of the family and he should also always choose me over his friends.

Sash, 25, security guard:

I would want to be able to dictate the time that he spends with the boys or goes out for drinks. In fact, I don’t want him to drink unless I am with him because that’s how you hear the ‘I was drunk’ stories. And I want a macho man who isn’t afraid to put it down on people who mess with me.

Allaine, 36, customer service rep:

I want a man who will make me breakfast in bed a few times a week like in the movies, who will always post pictures of us and write cute captions, and who is a jack of all trades. He should be able to fix everything from the kitchen pipes to my car muffler.

Michelle, 29, caregiver:

I want a man who will give me his last dollar since men are expected to provide. He should not wear facial hair because I think it’s gross. He should not look at other women and he should want to hang out with me and my friends, even if he has no interest in what we are talking about, just because he is my man.

Thalia, 30, nurse:

He should look like Idris Elba, no compromise there, and be able and willing to make love to me (not sex, but make passionate love à la Marvin Gaye) at my behest. He should be super dad with the kids, know how to make a three-course meal, and remember our anniversary. And I need him home by 6:00pm everyday, so we can sit on the couch and discuss our day.

Kay-Anne, 43:

My man should be able to reply to my texts or missed calls immediately. He shouldn’t find other women attractive, he should be my knight in shining armour, literally, and that means being willing to go in the line of fire for me if the situation should arise.

Petra, 26, teacher:

He should be a man of Christ, but not be super holy — more like Solomon than anything else (as far as the beautiful female worshipping is concerned). So he should worship my body and the ground I walk on, and then he should respect the commandments, especially the one about adultery, and fear that hellfire will be the punishment if he cheats. Then I expect him to smell nice all the time, to have clean fingernails, and to be able to cook, wash and clean because I don’t have time for that. Oh, and he should have been a virgin when we met, and most of all be rich, because poverty sucks.

Pat, 48, business owner:

He needs to be willing to shave daily and he needs to dress to impress because I have a reputation to uphold. He should stop having female best friends and definitely know how to kill frogs.