How men can take on more emotional labour in relationships

THE fight for gender equality has resulted in a major shift in the dynamics of the role of men and women. And while changes have been seen in all major spheres of society, unfortunately, many women are still hunkered down with full responsibility for managing the emotional labour in their relationships.

From simple tasks such as what to feed their family or reminding their partners of important dates; to being concerned with sudden changes in the chemical balance of the relationship and planning how to address them; to helping their partners with challenges at work, all while being on top of their children’s affairs, if these were items on a checklist, chances are when you got through them you would realise that these responsibilities always or most often seem to fall at the feet of the woman in a relationship. This has led some people who are conscious of these manifestations and who do not chalk this up as a flaw in our socialisation to stereotype our men as emotionally lazy.

And while at face value this may be true, relationship counsellor Wayne Powell said that men were not taught to carry emotional labour, which normalises the expectation that anything emotional should be handled by women.

“Men have been socialised to effect the two ‘P’s in a relationship — to provide and to protect which are the physical and financial aspects of the relationship. The “E” factor, which is the emotional component, is said to be the portfolio of the woman,” Powell reasoned.

He explained that men in relationships equate financial provision with emotional satisfaction, in other words, if the woman’s material needs of food, clothing and shelter are taken care of, then she should be happy. The fact is, however, that while the material things are important, they alone are not enough to create an emotional bond or make a relationship successful.

And while a mansion on a hill may be a part of a woman’s ideal, having a partner who shares the emotional labour of her relationship is every woman’s dream. And men are in luck because they no longer have to be mere bystanders.

Powell shares how men can take on more emotional labour in a relationship below:

1. Recognise that the woman is carrying most of the emotional weight

The first step is actually acknowledging that the woman is carrying more of the weight in the relationship and by extension, she is doing more of the caring work which is necessary for every long-term relationship. Search yourself and see how you can help your woman, whether this may be a combination of emotional and physical or one or the other at a time. She will not only appreciate this, but it can help to strengthen your relationship.

2. Her needs are not just financial or physical

Women often feel like they have to be the ones who add the soft touch to the relationship. The woman needs to feel that intimate (not sexual) connection with her partner that reassures her that she is loved and cherished. So you want to listen to her — ask when you have concerns, instead of assuming whatever concerns she may have, and help her figure out solutions to whatever problems she might have. Sometimes just spending quality time with your partner enjoying each other’s company is all the emotional security she needs.

3. Your actions have consequences — learn to take responsibility

Men have big egos and that can get in the way of them playing their role in helping to manage the emotional labour in the relationship. Men should keep their emotions in check — they need to ask themselves how what they say and do can affect their partners instead of allowing their egos to get in the way. Acknowledge when you are wrong instead of playing out the stereotype that men should not be questioned because of the fact that they are men.

4. Men need to learn that it’s okay to be vulnerable

The nurturing nature of the woman would make her become more open to expressing emotions and more prone to being hurt. Men, on the other hand, are less vulnerable emotionally and less inclined to show their “softer” side. This softer side, however, is a crucial part of emotional labour because only this way can you actively participate — you will allow yourself to feel how you make others feel and you will also be able to better cater to the needs of your partner. It will also make you more human and your relationship can benefit from this.