‘Boys will be boys’… but men will be abusers

WE hear the phrase ‘boys will be boys’ all the time — in homes, on the playgrounds, and even in schools — used almost always in response to any form of aggressive or deviant behaviour from boys. In recent years, however, we have seen where it has revolutionised, acquiring a suffix — ‘but men will be abusers’.

The phrase, according to clinical psychologist Dr Pearnel Bell, is an unfortunate reflection of how overlooking and embracing poor behaviour can lead to catastrophic ends.

“This perception of masculinity is outdated. The phrase ‘boys will be boys’ has done a number on boys, forcing them into a box dictating how they need to act — aggressive — to conceal their emotions and other kinds of behaviour that are fed into negative violent traits that are observed in men,” Dr Bell reasoned.

She said the overuse and misuse of the phrase has unfortunately normalised bad behaviours, as society merely sees them as “boyish” traits. Dr Bell also pointed out that many parents have failed to recognise the link between negative behaviours that are tolerated in boys and the actions portrayed in adulthood. She said it is time to pull the plug on this.

“Any child who is being brought up should have a moral compass and parents have the responsibility to shape it. This means that hitting others, lying, stealing and other inappropriate behaviours should be a no-no for both sexes. These should be taken seriously and at no point at all be tolerated,” Dr Bell said.

Guidance counsellor and family therapist Pastor Aldwin Gidden agrees with Dr Bell. He encouraged parents to be firm and to hold children accountable, but to be fair in doing this.

“Bad behaviour in children should not be tolerated. It is equally important to be fair; in fact, sometimes all that is required is a listening ear. As parents, sometimes you also want to be friendly enough so that your child can relate to you. This way, you are able to engage in meaningful discussions which will help with the proper cognitive restructuring and that will add to their development,” Gidden advised.

Dr Bell, also agrees with Pastor Gidden that it is crucial that in managing the natural propensity of boys to be more violent than girls, parents must explore appropriate interventions.

“Boys should be taught certain values such as empathy, good problem-solving skills, certain social skills such as respect and love of neighbour and love of self. In addition to this, parents and guardians need to stop telling boys to toughen up, stop encouraging them to hold back on expressing emotions because they are boys, or that they are exposed to severe beatings because this is what will form their behavioural patterns.”

She said another issue of increasing concern is that parents often fail to identify and act on behavioural disorders in boys, noting that parents prefer to simply write off violent behaviour as “boyish behaviour”.

“There are some disorders that may cause some boys to act in a violent manner and so it is very important that parents are on the lookout for these. These are called conduct disorders — they promote violence and parents should seek treatment for these so that the condition can be addressed,” Dr Bell advised.

Another way Dr Bell said that parents can also work to address the issue of violence and otherwise inappropriate behaviours in boys is by being good role models to their children and by working to create a healthy and safe environment for their children.

“What many researchers realise is that violent boys who become abusive men are exposed to a pervasive type of violent behaviour coming from their psychosocial backgrounds. This means, for example,that violent men are from households where their fathers would physically and emotionally abuse their mothers or stepmothers, or where their stepfathers would abuse their mothers; and the influence is significant. The same is true when they witness general family violence, which is common in households where many relatives reside.

A similar trend is noticed by Gidden who said that not only are acts of violence being seen in their homes, but they are often the victims of violent encounters, and this teaches them that not only is it acceptable, but it is an appropriate problem-solving tool.

“The truth is that parents are oftentimes abusive, even if not physically, they are emotionally, and both can encourage and teach them to be violent. Parents must learn that striking children can cause more harm than good. When this happens, they will practise it at school. Behaviours become habits, habits become a lifestyle, and lifestyle determines their personality. Violent men and even angry boys are products of their environment. Famous psychologist Albert Bandura said that children live what they learn and so they adopt what they see and hear from their environment, and not just their immediate space, their wider environment, and from aspects of culture such as music.”

Dr Bell said that if all appropriate home intervention methods have been explored and if there is still no change in behaviour, then professional support must be sought in an effort to stem the problem, otherwise you run the risk of breeding violent adults.

“If the boys continue to participate in or instigate any form of violent behaviour, they should be held accountable. But we don’t want to encourage beating; we think that a positive approach such as through counselling, disciplinary camps, and if the need arises even juvenile facilities, will result in rehabilitation,” Dr Bell advised.