Dumped fiancée fears unresolved issues could affect new affair

DEAR COUNSELLOR,

I was in a relationship for five years. We were engaged for four of those years, but the relationship ended abruptly after my partner migrated.

He ended the relationship via a Whatsapp text and I was devastated. I felt like what we shared meant nothing to him if he could end a five-year relationship via text message.

We had some issues that I thought could have been worked out; for example, he was not as emotionally available as I would have liked and we did not communicate very often. We had no arguments but he would often “malice” me for simple things, instead of taking the time to talk about them.

A few weeks after the break-up, I met someone. We exchanged numbers but I went on vacation and did not see this person for two weeks. However, we communicated via phone, during which he professed his love for me although we had no physical interactions since we had exchanged numbers.

I did not take him seriously. I told him what had happened with my ex-fiancé, where I was emotionally, and that I was not ready for a relationship. However, he was persistent; he wanted us to live together, get married and have children. This made me nervous and I questioned his intent.

I saw him again at the end of my vacation — the connection between us was strong. He was down to earth and I was surprised at feeling nervous when I saw him.

This man is five years younger than I am and appeared to be everything my ex-fiancé was not — he is available and present.

I have been seeing him for about five months now, and I am considering marrying him. I have grown to love him.

I notice though that whenever we have arguments, I get really angry over the simplest of things and shout at him. I feel as though I have unresolved issues regarding my ex. I also am quick to tell him to leave me alone and go be elsewhere with other people. Thankfully, he never listens.

I want to know how best to deal with my anger issues and whatever unresolved issues I have, before I lose this man.

It is always recommended that when partners exit a relationship, they spend some time to process their thoughts and feelings before moving into the next relationship.

You have unceremoniously exited a five-year relationship, which no doubt has left you emotionally distraught, particularly as it relates to the way it was handled by your ex-partner. Surely, terminating a relationship via text is a cold and insensitive way of walking away.

You mentioned that you both had some “issues” that could have been worked out. Could it be that those small matters were ignored and not addressed, accordingly contributing to the eventual break-up? Did you ignore any obvious red flags?

A very important point you raised that should not be overlooked is the unavailability of your ex-partner to provide you with emotional support. Both partners feed off each other, emotionally, and if one or both fail to offer this necessary ingredient for the sustenance of the relationship, then it will only be a matter of time before the interaction between them declines. This is even more compounded when they are separated by distance, as was in your situation.

So as you rebound from this relationship and plunge into this new one, be reminded that you are still in the honeymoon phase of the relationship and not all that glitters is gold. You may want to give the relationship some time before you commit to marriage.

Make sure you have closure on the former relationship and that no unresolved issues are carried over to the current one, that would cause any interpersonal conflicts with your new guy.

So what’s going on with the anger outbursts? Be careful that you don’t end up driving him away.

In the honeymoon stage he will put up with it, but a guy can take so much and no more. After the glitter and glamour wears off, he won’t find it cute anymore. So learn to manage your anger and appreciate that you now have someone who is emotionally and physically present and available. Don’t spoil a good thing by being overly dramatic and telling him to go away, he just might take you seriously one day and heed your directive.

In other words, don’t take advantage of the gentleman’s meekness, mistaking it for weakness. Take some time to work on any personal deficiencies you may have so that they don’t become a stumbling block in the relationship.

If marriage is contemplated, I suggest you both begin premarital counselling as soon as possible. All the best to you.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to agapemft@gmail.com. Check his Facebook page at www.facebook.com/MFTCounselor/.