Single and over 40? Here’s how to find yourself a man
DATING after 40 is serious business — you no longer want to feel things out and see where they lead. You already know exactly what you want (and what you don’t want) in a partner, and you have no patience to stick around waiting for people to change. “Are we doing this or not? Because I have more important things to do” pretty much nicely sums up your attitude towards new relationships.
Life and relationship coach and author of Mayhem, Mirth and Mastery: Memoirs of Single Parenting’ Caleen Diedrick says dating in itself is an exciting and frightening experience for some people, and especially for those over 40 who are very likely to already have been in marriages or long-term relationships; the whole idea of dating can be met with a lot of trepidation. She shares some steps that you ought to consider taking if you are to get this dating thing right. After all, life begins after 40, right?
Get rid of the baggage
“The first order of the day, especially for women, is to deal with emotional baggage,” Diedrick prescribes. “Whatever feelings of bitterness, anger, or other emotions that you might be carrying from previous relationships, you need to spend some time and fix that before engaging anyone else in any serious way. That in and of itself is a real hindrance to finding something substantial and worthwhile, or being able to act on something that can become such. If you are preoccupied with trust issues, then you might not be able to see a potentially good partner that may be right in front of you because you are constantly comparing the new individual to the person/s from the past.”
Become excited about dating
“Greet this business of dating with excitement. It’s new and it presents an opportunity to do something to break up the monotony. You might not have been on the dating scene for a while, especially if you’ve just come out of a long-term relationship, and you might have preoccupied yourself with work or the children just to take your mind off the fact that you are single. The idea of dating can be daunting to you so spend some time researching and talking to your girlfriends about what to anticipate. Dating now, with the increased prevalence of social media, might be different from the last time you dated someone new. Take this on as a brand new, exciting challenge,” Diedrick says.
Switch up your style
You might want to consider revamping your look. Changing your outfit, your hairstyle or the way you normally look when you go out might just be what you need to kick-start your dating life again, the expert recommends. “This builds the excitement and anticipation to meet and greet new interests. And go out! The only way you are going to meet somebody is if you are actively going out. Don’t necessarily go out hunting for a partner, but be in spaces that you can enjoy yourself with friends, too.”
Reclaim your sexy
“After 40, the body might not be quite what it used to be, especially if you had got comfortable in a long-term relationship. You might need to spend some time working on your confidence,” Diedrick says. “You might want to sign up for a gym or a dance class (I recommend Ferdiva lap dance class) as a way to get your mojo back, and to get in touch with your body again, and to open up to this new experience.”
Determine what you want
“Do you want a fling, or are you looking for something more substantial?” the relationship coach asks. “Be very clear what you want and articulate that. Make sure that the person you are engaging is aware of what you are looking for and how you wish to proceed.”
Reign in the crazy
So OK, you were hurt and you want to let this new partner know what you’ve been through so they don’t put you through it again. This can be a bit off-putting on the first few dates though. Diedrick advises that you focus on looking forward. “You want to be mindful that when you go out on a date you don’t want to start dumping on the individual that you’ve been to hell and back and all the things that you’ve had to contend with in past relationships. You don’t want to show all those things that you are challenged by right away. This is linked to my first point about dealing with the emotional baggage first,” she says.
Be open to trying something new
Forget your ‘type’, and look for character traits that are important to you, Diedrick advises. “Sometimes we are too preoccupied with dating someone of a particular age group, perhaps someone in our age group. I am suggesting being open to dating someone younger. That in and of itself is brand new and exciting and could be exactly what you need at this point in your life. This is also true about dating someone who is older than you. You might find love. Throw away the idea that the person has to fit this particular mould, and be open. You’re looking for character traits. That should take precedence over their age,” she points out. “You want somebody who has good morals, who you can have engaging conversations with. You want somebody who has proven himself to be trustworthy. These should be the things that you lead with instead of age, looks, occupation or educational background. They don’t have to be corporate. Intelligence isn’t specific to the number of degrees that they have. Broaden your scope and see what else is available to you.”
