My abuser was my husband with whom I had five children

Violence against women and girls, the United Nations says, is one of the most widespread, persistent and devastating human rights violations in our world today. And it remains largely unreported due to the impunity, silence, stigma and shame surrounding it. Today, November 25, as we recognise International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women, we reflect on some of the struggles still faced by women in their domestic spaces. Here a former client of Woman Inc shares her story.

THE abuse took place over time, two decades to be exact. The children at that time were very young and they did not know what was going on. I remained with him as I had no place to go and I was unemployed at the time and he being the breadwinner means he had leverage over me. I was abused in every way possible – verbally, physically, sexually, financially, and emotionally – and any other way he could find just to hurt me. This also impacted the children as whenever we had an argument he would withhold money from them preventing them from attending school.

I have escaped death on a number of occasions. In one incident he physically and verbally abused me to the point where I ended up having a panic attack. In that moment I felt like I was going to die and leave my children. I was taken to the hospital where I was put under observation as my blood pressure had gone up really high as a result.

Abused while separated

In another incident which took place in front of our children who at the time ranged from one to 11 years old, I was beaten right in front of them. He also tried strangling me until I wet (peed) myself. The police were called and I was taken to the doctor. When I explained to the doctor what happened, he explained that the reason I wet myself was because I wasn’t getting enough oxygen and that I could have died in front of our children. This incident happened while we were separated and he was living with his child’s mother, but that didn’t stop him from coming to the home and abusing me. This child was born when we were still living together.

Abused after the divorce

The last incident took place on the road close to where I lived. I was attacked and beaten badly. Had it not been for my son who intervened I would not be here today to tell my story. The police again intervened and we were both taken to the station where he made a report against our son and wanted him arrested and charged because he had flung a stone at him which caught him, just to get him to stop hitting me. He also instructed the police officer to file charges against me as he was injured in the process. This incident took place after we were divorced.

That incident opened my eyes to the fact that I was no longer the only one hurting, but also the children. No longer was the abuse taking place behind closed doors but in the public domain. By this our children were big and I felt disappointed and ashamed and wanted to take my own life. I had to get out not just for myself but my children too.

Woman Inc intervenes

The next day after the last incident I went to speak to a lawyer who referred me to Woman Inc. l got in touch with them the same day. On the same day also there was a march going on about violence against women and with my face badly battered from the beating, I felt empowered and this gave me more courage to escape.

At Woman Inc/Crisis Centre I met my counsellor who, through counselling, brought me to a point where I was strong enough to pursue the matter in court. I was able to take the necessary steps to protect myself and my children. In the ensuing court battle which lasted for two years, I came out victorious as the court extended the restraining order (an interim order was granted at the commencement of the case), and he was ordered to pay maintenance for the minor children. I was also granted an occupational order which has allowed me and the children to remain living at our current residence unhindered.

I still don’t trust him but I no longer fear him.

I appreciate all that Woman Inc/Crisis Centre did for me as without them I would not be free from this man. The counselling and social support were what kept me on course throughout the court process.