A history of bad relationships
DEAR COUNSELLOR,
I have of a problem that I sincerely hope you can help me out with. I am a 30-year-old guy with a history of bad relationships. I just lost my girlfriend of three years less than two months ago. My three other relationships before that lasted for six months to one and a half years. I recently met a girl on the Internet. She is 28. We have everything in common, she makes me feel happy, she’s adorable, she’s just everything I always wanted and thought I’d never find. There’s just one problem — she is already in a relationship. She told me that her guy does not treat her right emotionally but takes care of her financial needs and that she feels a good emotional connection with me and want us to be in a relationship. We live in the same country but are many miles apart. She is suggesting that we meet up at a hotel soon. I do care about her, but I am not sure if I should pursue this. Is this another relationship that will go south as well? I am worried.
What do you suggest I do?
It is always a good idea to spend some time to do a review of the past relationships to determine what are the factors that led to the break-up. Are there some unresolved personal issues that you are taking to successive relationships that cause conflict and disharmony? If you can honestly admit that you do need to work on some personal challenges then it would make sense you attend to them urgently. It may require you to sit with a counsellor to help you sort out the impediments.
Please note that it is not unusual for people to date others before they settle with the one they believe is the right fit. For some people it will take them a relatively short period to make that selection while for others it would appear that the search never ends. The important thing is that you remain hopeful and not desperate. If you approach the search frantically you will lose objectivity and settle for anything and anyone who will take advantage of your vulnerability.
Now regarding your Internet lady love, she indicated that she is in a relationship but is unhappy as she is not emotionally attached to her gentleman. She, however, points out that he steps up to his financial responsibilities which is important to her. Are you in a position to provide her with the financial support she needs? Maybe not. You see, there are numerous instances where some women remain in dysfunctional relationships because the men they are with can adequately take care of their physical needs. These same women, however, would seek and have their emotional needs satisfied outside the relationship.
Could it be that you are filling the role of the side guy? Why would she suggest that you both link up at a hotel? What are her intentions? Will she leave her boyfriend and commit to you?
These are the critical questions you need to ask and get honest answers to. If you are concerned about developing a wholesome relationship that may be beneficial to you then you may want to contemplate whether to further pursue this relationship.
Take it slow and avoid making any rash decisions that are fuelled by feelings alone. Affairs of the heart require a sober and rational thought process.
It could be helpful to use your time to read some books on relationships and adopt some of the advice shared, particularly as it relates to building and maintaining intimate relationships.
All the best.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to agapemft@gmail.com. Check his Facebook page at www.facebook.com/MFTCounselor/.
