Speaking your spouse’s love language

LAST week renowned family counsellor Dr Barry Davidson looked at the different types of love — epithumia, eros, storge, phileo and agape — and we concluded that a marriage possessing agape love can survive anything. Remember that agape is the totally unselfish love that has the capacity to give and keep on giving without expecting anything in return. Agape love is God’s love. It is indeed agape love that keeps a marriage going when the other loves falter and die.

This week Dr Davidson continues with a look at the five love languages and how important they are to making your marriage work well.

According to Dr Gary Chapman, “people express love in different ways. If you express love in a way your partner doesn’t understand, he or she won’t realise you’ve expressed your love at all. The problem is that you’re speaking two different languages”.

The five love languages are:

1. Words of affirmation

Compliments, words of encouragement, and requests rather than demands all affirm the self-worth of your partner. They create intimacy, heal wounds, and bring out the full potential of your other half. When you make a request of your partner, you are affirming his or her worth and abilities. When, however, you make demands, you have become not a lover but a tyrant. Your partner will feel not affirmed, but belittled. A request introduces the element of choice. Your partner may choose to respond to your request or to deny it, because loving is always a choice.

2. Quality time

Quality time is giving your partner undivided attention. It is sitting on the couch with the TV off, looking at each other and talking. It means taking a walk, or a drive out, just the two of you, or going out to eat and looking at each other and talking. Have you ever noticed that in a restaurant, you can almost always tell the difference between a dating couple and a married couple? Dating couples look at each other and talk. Some married couples sit there and gaze around the restaurant. Spending quality time together through sharing, listening, and participating in joint meaningful activities communicates that we truly care for and enjoy each other.

3. Receiving gifts

Gifts are visual symbols of love, whether they are items you purchased or made, or are merely your own presence made available to your partner. Gifts demonstrate that you care, and they represent the value of the relationship.

4. Acts of service

By acts of service, I mean doing things you know your partner would like you to do. You seek to please them by serving them to express your love. Criticism of your partner’s failure to do things for you may be an indication that “acts of service” is your primary love language. Acts of service should never be coerced but should be freely given and received, and completed as requested.

5. Physical touch

We have long known that physical touch is a way of communicating emotional love. Numerous research projects in the area of child development have made that conclusion: babies who are held, hugged, and kissed develop a healthier emotional life than those who are left for long periods of time without physical contact. Physical touch is also a powerful vehicle for communicating marital love. Holding hands, kissing, embracing, and sexual intercourse are all ways of communicating emotional love to one’s partner. For some individuals, physical touch is their primary love language. Without it, they feel unloved. With it, their emotional tank is filled, and they feel secure in the love of their partner. Physical touch, as a gesture of love, reaches to the depths of our being. As a love language, it is a powerful form of communication from the smallest touch on the shoulder to the most passionate kiss.

How to discover your love language

Discovering the primary love language of your partner is essential if you are to master the language of love. But first, let’s make sure you know your own love language. Having heard the five love languages, some individuals will instantaneously know their own primary love language and that of their partner. For others, it will not be that easy. Let us suggest three ways to discover your own primary love language.

•What does your partner do or fails to do that hurts you most deeply? The opposite of what hurts you most, is probably your love language.

•What have you most often requested of your partner? The thing you have most often requested is likely to be the thing that would make you feel most loved.

•In what way do you regularly express love to your partner? Your method of expressing love may be an indication that would also make you feel loved.

Using those three approaches will probably enable you to determine your primary love language. If two languages seem to be equal for you, that is, both speak loudly to you, then perhaps you are bilingual.

In concluding, let me say that choosing to love in the language of your partner has many benefits. It can help heal past wounds and provide a sense of security, self-worth, and significance, so that intimacy remains even when you have to go and buy your teeth! Yes, it’s all about love.

Dr Barry Davidson is the CEO for Family Life Ministries.

Send comments to allwoman @jamaicaobserver.com or

familyandfaithmagazine@gmail.com.