The helicopter parent and the college bound child

I wrote a note to my daughter as she prepares to leave for college, “May you have the strength to be what you want to be and the courage to resist becoming what the world wants you to become. My daughter, know that you always have a home to return to, that I will always be here for you.”

As parents, we celebrate our children’s accomplishments from their first step to graduation. We display their medals, certificates and videotape their performances.

I have enjoyed every stage of my firstborn’s growth. I was excited when she got through for college. As the time inches closer for her to start her new journey, I find myself feeling anxious and emotionally unprepared for this transition.

From making the bed to cooking quick and easy meals, I have been on a mission to ensure that she was taught all the things necessary for survival on dorm.

I work at a college and so every year I encounter parents who unwillingly take their “babies” on campus and hover around during orientation, earning the nickname “helicopter parents”. The COVID-19 pandemic has added to the anxiety and our children are perhaps more anxious than we are.

Sending your child off to college is a bittersweet moment. It is an accomplishment we are proud of, but at the same time we are anxious about how our children will transition to a new environment without us. Every year, as the college welcomes a new batch of students, I prepare myself to give the talk to the “freshman parents”.

How do parents deal with our own anxieties as our children take this important step towards their own independence?

Financial planning

When I finished high school, I was confident that the next step was university. My grades were good and I was accepted to my programme of choice. The fees looked affordable and so I shared them with my father and grandmother. My grandmother started to hum one of her favourite hymns, “what a friend we have in Jesus”, assuring me through song that all would be well. I applied for students’ loan but missed the application deadline and so my only option was to sit out a year and find a job and apply on time for the next academic year.

A 2009 study conducted by the University of Massachusetts concluded that “parents’ expectations, not their aspirations correspond to their engagement in financial planning for their children’s college education. Family education is strongly associated with some financial planning actions and the amounts saved”. In my experience, too many parents are unprepared for the financial obligations that come with college, leaving our children to ‘fend for themselves’ as best as they can through study/work programmes where possible.

Ensuring that a financial plan is in place for your child’s education is very important and reduces some of the anxiety at this stage for both parent and child.

Accept the change and allow the grief

When I told my younger daughter that her sister would be leaving for college, her reaction surprised me. She cried. She asked if her sister would ever come back home. I had to reassure her that her sister was only leaving for a short time and she would be home for holidays (of course, I know that this will not always be the case). I assured her that leaving home was inevitable and was just another change she had to accept. As a parent, the important lesson in that moment was that it was OK to grieve and taking the time to do so is quite healthy and normal.

Establish communication channels

With your children away, you may be tempted to constantly reach out to them. Determine how you are going to communicate with your child and agree on how you will maintain contact as a family. They will need space to make friends, adjust to a new life without you and get into college life, and constant communication with parents may soon become a nuisance. Schedule time to connect with your child and respect their need for space.

College is an exciting time for your child, commit to making the experience exciting for you as a parent too!

Coleen Antoinette is a lover of culture and people. She is currently the Director of Marketing Communications at the Edna Manley College of the Visual and Performing Arts. Share your experiences with her at coleenantoinette@gmail.com.