When fathers reject their children
THERE’S a discussion that usually starts whenever the issue of a woman’s right to choose arises, that says if a woman is not ready to have a child, the decision about what she does with her body is hers only, and the potential father doesn’t have a say in the matter. On the other side of the coin, some men insist that if the choice to have, or not to have children, is the woman’s only, then the man should be able to choose not to be involved, if the woman chooses to parent and he doesn’t.
What usually happens in this instance is a man insisting that he’s not ready to be a father, a woman insisting that she will be a mother, and a child who is caught in the middle, as the people below share.
What happens when fathers reject their children, after stating that they did not want to parent?
“I’m going to play devil’s advocate and say that some people shouldn’t be parents and it’s ultimately the woman’s choice to complete the pregnancy,” said counsellor David Anderson. “At any time the man can leave, especially when it’s a responsibility he was vociferous about not taking on. If, for example, he said he did not want to be a father from the very beginning, how fair is it to expect him to transform into one, when the woman decided that she wanted to parent, and he didn’t?”
“If my father had rejected me when I was younger it would have been bad, but not too bad — but he waited until I was a teenager,” said Sharmanese, now 36. “He was always cheating and spending his money on women, and when my mother couldn’t take any more she asked him to leave. But he left both her and me — he never supported me after that, and went on to have a new family. And when I reached out to him, he said I wasn’t planned, and he deserved a chance to be happy. I was 14 years old, and that crushed me.”
In Abigail’s case, she thought that once her boyfriend saw the baby he would fall in love and change his mind about being a father, but he has not budged.
“He told me straight up that he was married and two kids were all he was willing to invest in, but I thought that once he saw ours, he would change,” she said. “When I told him that I wouldn’t have an abortion because I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to have other kids, he ghosted me. My baby is now one, and he contributes money now and then, but its as if she doesn’t exist for him, because he doesn’t acknowledge her at all and his family doesn’t know about her.“
For Patrique, not even the involvement of her ex’s family could make him budge.
“He told me to have an abortion and when I wouldn’t he just went cold, and to this day, treats me and his son like we don’t exist.”
She said her son’s paternal grandparents are involved in his life and somewhat make up for the lack, “but I can see the disappointment in his face when he lights up when his dad is around, and his dad looks right through him.”
Said Anderson: “No one, including a court of law, can compel a man to have a relationship with a child. He can be compelled to play a financial role, but that is not what parenting is all about. If the woman believes that having a child is ultimately her decision and hers alone, she should also be prepared to parent alone.”
He warned women: “Ambivalence about parenthood is extremely common, and whatever decision you choose to make, it’s important to understand what’s at stake so you can feel responsible for your decision and its consequences.”
