The forbidden grief

THERE is no doubt that many women who decide to have their pregnancies terminated often confess to having immense feelings of regret post-abortion. But even for the women who remain content with their decision to abort their foetuses, this does not mean that they are unaffected by their loss.

Unpacking emotions in the aftermath of an abortion can be a gruelling and exhausting emotional process. But many women, unfortunately, feel somehow forbidden from experiencing the natural progression of grief because by the norms of society this makes them hypocrites.

Stacy, whose name and others in this story has been altered to protect their privacy, is one such woman. She recalls working to tame emotions that she had been made to believe that she was not allowed to feel immediately following one of the biggest, most painful decisions of her life.

“If you have had an abortion before and you did it because you were sure you wanted to do it, then you will know that it is wanting to grieve even though you would do the procedure over again if you had to, that is most painful,” she acknowledged.

She explained that she felt two-faced for wishing her child away and acting on it, only to be struck by a strong desire to grieve. She underscored that the treatment of women who travelled the road before her made her feel unworthy of owning or feeling the emotions and she just felt guilty every time waves of sadness would flood her.

Explaining the situation which led to her decision, the 32-year-old woman, who is a mother of five, said that she was not willing to carry a sixth child into the world only for him to go hungry and to be abused.

“I found out when I was four months along that I was pregnant and I immediately knew that I couldn’t keep the baby. I was at the worst place I had been in my life, just boxing around, and I wasn’t going to bring another human being into the world just so he could live in my hell,” Stacy told All Woman.

“The abuse and hardship that we were already facing made me begin to think that if I didn’t find anyone willing to abort the baby, I was going to take my life,” she admitted between sobs.

She said that when the foetus was chemically removed from her body, she felt numb and scared but never felt an ounce of regret. Three years later, though, she still celebrates the birthday based on the due date she had been given by doctors, and whisper prayers for the child every night when she prays for her children.

PeterGaye, who lives in rural Jamaica, aborted her foetus for reasons similar to Stacy’s — she didn’t want another child.

“Not one more pickney mi wouldn’t make come take any more abuse. I couldn’t even protect myself and when their (her children’s) father beating them, I cannot save them,” PeterGaye shared.

The mother of two said that when she found out she was pregnant, she felt like she was carrying weights on her shoulders, and even as she was scared of being judged, she reached out to a friend for help.

“I called my friend who helps me out from time to time with the children and I told her. She agreed that I couldn’t follow through with the pregnancy. I knew the belly was fairly young, like just a few weeks, so my friend bought me the pills and I took them and the baby wash out [was aborted],” PeterGaye recounted.

She remembers crying every day until she was sure the foetus was long gone. But PeterGaye said that those tears shed were never a sign of guilt for following through with the termination, they were more symbolic of peace of mind.

“It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Of course, more times when I see my other kids, I wonder what he or she would have been like and sometimes I will shed a tear, but otherwise, I don’t feel any way, just relief. I think I gave my child a gift if I am to be honest,” she said.

Unlike the other women who depend heavily on the men in their lives to care for them, Marsha felt like her pregnancy stood in the way of her achieving her ambitions. For her, aborting her child was a “small sacrifice” in her picture of bigger things, as she sought to take herself and her family out of poverty.

“There were many things at play with me. I had just got my promotion and I was dealing with my anxiety and it felt like a lot on my plate at the time. I was mad at myself for getting pregnant; I think I was careless with my pills, but carrying the child was never an option. I am not the mothering type and I am not stable enough,” Marsha shared.

She said that all she felt following her medically assisted termination was relief; there were no complications and she could move on as though nothing had happened.

“I was pro-life until my hiccup happened. I was so upset about being careless enough to get pregnant. It grieved me, it still does, that I took away the gift of life from my flesh and blood, but I am glad that I could move on and fulfil my dreams unhampered by the responsibilities of motherhood,” Marsha who was 14 weeks along when she terminated her pregnancy told All Woman.

In Jamaica upwards of twenty thousand abortions are believed to be conducted annually, the greater percentage of this number being represented by people who access abortion services illegally. Clinical psychologist Dr Pearnel Bell said that this number is quite alarming not only because many of these women may be using unsafe methods of abortion, but also because of the mental health challenges that many women who terminate pregnancies often experience alone.

“It is no secret that based on our Christian values as a country, abortion is still frowned upon — it’s seen as shameful. And while we want women to consider other options as an alternative to terminating pregnancies, so many women who undergo abortions have found themselves so buried in guilt that it affects their minds — even those who are comfortable with the decision that they made,” Dr Bell explained.

She pointed out that while she is not advocating for abortions, for many women who have their pregnancies terminated, guilt and remorse come from a genuine place. She said that they are aware that they chose to terminate their pregnancies, but they still have to deal with their consciences and their emotions, and it can be painful.

“Oftentimes these women do not want to abort their children, but in the face of their situations, they feel like they have no choice. She has a right to grieve and we shouldn’t look down on her because of what she chose for herself,” Dr Bell advised.

A condition experienced by many of this subset of women is disenfranchised grief — this is where you are made to feel that your grief is not valid, and it is largely ignored or belittled in the eye of society.

“This is a complex psychological situation where they can’t openly grieve about the loss because of the circumstances under which the loss happens. In our culture, we also quite often see this in the situations of women who carry out secret romantic relationships with men who are married or taken, when the man dies, for example, they can’t even claim him or place themselves close to the man because they would be made out the nothing more than a homewrecker,” Dr Bell explained.

Similarly, out of fear of being ostracised and labelled, many women prefer to suffer in silence rather than to take the risk to ask for support.

“Some people, if not careful, could develop psychosis along with depression and anxiety. Others may be completely fine because they would have already resolved in their minds that they have no other choice.”

She encouraged women who feel as though they are falling off the emotional wagon to seek professional help if they are unsure about reaching out to their usual support people. In this setting, they are sure to receive therapy and support that is void of judgement.

To reduce the chances of guilt-related grief, Dr Bell encouraged women to consider the best birth control options for themselves and to carefully weigh their options if they have an unplanned pregnancy.

“Women often choose abortions when they feel that they have no other choice. However, most situations have solutions that can be managed with appropriate guidance; a woman can find alternatives to abortion. Explore all your available options and consider the available resources before you decide this. This will reduce the chances of you ending up with guilt, shame and remorse, which are negative emotions that if not treated could live with them forever and trigger other psychological conditions,” Dr Bell recommended.

Under the law, abortion in Jamaica is still illegal. Despite efforts in recent times by lawmakers to repeal the sections of the Offences Against the Person Act which make abortions illegal, there is no clear sign if Jamaica will join countries with more relaxed abortion legislation any time soon.