Disenfranchised grief – The unglamorous side of being the other woman

BEING a mistress isn’t glamorous, but what many women who find themselves helplessly in love with married or otherwise taken men will tell you, is that ‘the forbidden fruit’ is most tempting. The allure of being a mistress often outweighs the heartbreaking uncertainties of choosing that life, such as not knowing when you’ll see your lover, if it’s okay to call, or if he will get a chance to sneak out and make that late night call you’ve waited up all night for.

But there are at least two life uncertainties that no measure of planning can sufficiently prepare the other woman for — tragic events such as their lover falling critically ill, or worse, dying. When either of these happen, women like Georgia, and others in this story whose names we have changed to protect their identities, will tell you, not only did they learn the hard way that they can be airbrushed like unwanted watermarks, but that they would never be given the dignity of grieving publicly, in black or otherwise, a tradition reserved for wives.

“It was the worst thing that could happen to me in life; every day I think about it. I remember seeing fear in his (her lover’s) eyes when he was holding his chest, and instead of moving to the phone, a million questions were popping up in my mind. Top of the list though, was how the hell will this be explained to his wife,” Georgia told All Woman of the tragedy which took place just over five years ago.

Georgia’s lover, whom she called ‘King’, had shown signs of cardiac distress while they were in bed late one night. On his arrival to the hospital, it would be confirmed that he had suffered a massive heart attack; within a few hours he would pass.

“Can you imagine holding the hand of the man you loved while he is at death’s door and all you can think about is how much they will villainise you? I asked myself, should I just leave when I get there? Will they need to tell his wife where they picked him up and that he had Viagra in his system? I had enough respect, though, to know that I couldn’t stick around and I couldn’t go into the hospital like I was the grieving widow, even if King wanted me there,” Georgia shared.

She acknowledged that she didn’t want to be showcased; the affair wasn’t glorifying, but she contends that the world knew that she did not deserve to be overlooked like an insignificant nuisance threatening the perfect fairytale the married couple had been selling to others.

“I had to lock up and cry in my apartment, I was threatened and warned not to talk about our relationship. I was called names in e-mails from addresses I didn’t know. Through it all I stayed by myself and I mourned my man, but it hurt that I couldn’t make a post about him, I couldn’t be there with his family and I couldn’t see him one last time. It was hard,” Georgia admitted.

While Georgia was in search of love when King fell on her radar, Tracey was in search of “the bag”. She was a struggling university student who needed financial support. So of course, when her money heavy, beguiling lover came on the scene, she said she thought he was God-sent and quickly scooped him up — not knowing at the time that he was married with children.

“I met my guy when I was at UWI. At first, he was a sugar daddy but then he became more than that. By the time I knew I was the side chick I was already in love. On top of that he wasn’t happy, but when you fall within a certain class you have to save face and stay in your unhappy home,” Tracey shared.

“Four years into our relationship we had a child. Last year when our son turned two my guy fell and hit his head in the bathroom. He was in the hospital for months, before being transferred to the United States for surgeries and treatment. We were never allowed to see him. Not even his son,” a tearful Tracey shared.

Tracey said that even though her lover’s wife was always aware of her and their son, she believes that his wife is just using her lover’s helplessness to exert her strength to hurt her and to an extent him, but as is the case of many women is Tracey’s shoes, making noise would only draw the attention of overcritical outsiders.

“Everything I know I have to hear it through his good friend who also has to pretend that he doesn’t talk to me. I cry every day but that is all I can do, because who am I going to run and tell that my lover’s wife is keeping me from him? I would have to be a special kind of stupid, right? Every day I just sink deeper into depression,” Tracey admitted.

What makes Tracey’s burdens a little heavier to carry though is knowing that her mother and friends want no part of it. She said that her refusal to cut ties with her lover strained almost all her relationships — leaving no shoulders for her to cry on.

In the case of Millicent, nothing could go wrong. She and her lover had been living together for seven years and everyone knew about her. She had met her Kenny two years after his wife migrated with their daughter. But just eight weeks’ shy of their eighth year together, he met in an accident and died.

“I am still numb thinking about the night. He couldn’t have survived the crash. His brother stayed with me the night and when I got up the next morning I heard him with Kenny’s wife and daughter on the phone. When he got off, he told me they were coming to Jamaica. We had never talked before but I thought we could be adults, but the ladies had other plans,” Millicent recalls.

She said that from the moment the mother-daughter duo arrived it was clear they were hell-bent on causing her humiliation and stripping her of everything that they could — including her right to grieve publicly.

She recalls the flood of condolence cards, all bearing the name of the Mrs. She had been obliterated; it was almost like she had failed to exist as soon as his wife came back into the picture — she now realised that by society’s standards she was the mistress.

“In the middle of my grieving, I couldn’t even go to the funeral parlour, I was barred from conducting any arrangements and from going into the house we shared. They took over all the accounts that Kenny and I didn’t share and aggressively pursued insurance and everything. She talked to me disrespectfully and told me I couldn’t sit in the family seat at the funeral,” Millicent shared between bouts of tears.

She said she was so overwhelmed, she blacked out and had to be hospitalised. At this point, she said she decided to choose herself, to walk away, even if I meant she didn’t get to tell the man that she loved goodbye.

“The day of his funeral I cried the whole time. I didn’t go though. I didn’t want to cause a scene or anyone any unhappiness. The pain was so much; nobody ever treated me like that and I couldn’t believe that no family member was willing to stand up with me because she was the wife on paper — she didn’t even love him,” a frustrated Millicent said as she threw her hands in the air.

The day after he was buried, she went to his grave to ask his forgiveness for not fighting hard enough and to say her anguished farewell before leaving.

“To this day I am in pain, but I have been given the wrong by my family for ‘shacking up’ with the woman’s husband, even though she is the one that didn’t want a divorce. People looked at me like I was nothing and the rumours made me so sick. I had to pull on the people in my circle for strength, otherwise to this day I would be a Bellevue patient,” Millicent said.

The emotional pain that these women describe, according to Clinical Psychologist Dr Pearnel Bell, is disenfranchised grief.

“Disenfranchised grief is complex, psychological situation where grief is not openly or publicly acknowledged and that which is not accepted or valued by society. The woman’s grief in this case does not only go without acknowledgement, but it is also stigmatised as not worthy. People who find themselves in a situation like this are at a greater risk of developing psychological challenges, including anxiety and depression,” Dr Bell explained.

She pointed out that society believes a mistress, who is likely to have had been privately kept, or kept semi-public or public much to the emotional trauma of the wife, should handle her grief privately. Where possible, Dr Bell said that most families prefer if mistresses don’t turn up for funerals at all, even if they promise to sit at the back of the pews.

“The world at this point does not care for what she had with the man and whether there was any love at all. There is no grey area, all they see is black and white — and that is a woman who has wronged and hurt a wife and family. Allowing her to grieve publicly would be a slap on the wrist for her, but a slap in the face to the wife — who has already been through hell because of her spouse and his mistress’s actions,” Dr Bell underscored.

For the other woman, though, not being able to acknowledge the loss, and to absorb the emotional trauma of the labels and stigma can significantly obstruct their path to healing and could lead them down a road to self-destructive behaviour, including alcohol abuse.

“Being able to acknowledge loss is an intrinsic part of recovering. If you feel you are also being judged by your family and those who usually support you, then get professional help. If you are going to heal, you will need to forgive yourself for not being perfect, for the mistakes that you have made and face your guilt and shame. You are allowed to, and you deserve to heal and to move on,” Dr Bell advised.