So you wanna be a wife?

MANY traditional institutions, along with their roles and functions, continue to maintain their place, but minister of religion and author Christopher Brodber believes that the centuries-old institution of marriage is under threat of continuing on a downward trajectory into nothingness if greater efforts are not invested in its redemption.

It is this frustration and a desire to effect change and restore the once-esteemed institution that the 49-year-old — dubbed the ‘Guardian of marriages, defender of men’ by some female readers — said inspired the idea for his book, So You Wanna Be A Wife: Husband Lives Matter.

“I wrote this book to create a tool to get a discussion going about proper preparation for marriage and bring attention to what is happening in society where marriages are concerned,” Brodber told All Woman

“The issue is that too many couples in search of happily-ever-after marriages are ending in divorce. Experts are now saying that couples have a 50-50 chance of making it through to old age together. That is not good. Couples are starting with so much love and excitement, only to have the idea of 50 per cent of their marriage surviving, hanging over their heads. We need to make the odds better than that. That’s my passion — it’s a passion to help and a passion to heal and a passion to give hope.”

For those who have read the book though, even as it balances out in later chapters, on the surface and certainly in earlier chapters, Brodber appears to focus on how the actions of wives, such as withholding sex from their husbands, cause men to look elsewhere, often leading to the demise of the union.

The Kingston-bred pastor opines that his almost two-decade-long marital counselling experience illuminated many of the marital issues that informed some of his descriptions of the exact pathology that puts a strain on marriages.

A common denominator, he said, that often causes women to grow cold towards their husbands can be blamed on the woman-specific pattern of spending days, months and even years languishing in daydreams of perfecting their wedding day, all while completely ignoring the everyday realities that they need to focus on preparing for which are inextricably linked to their “for better or for worse” days.

“The thinking should not just be we’re going to have children and be happy and have money, and we’re going to travel. Yes, you want that, but also think about what are some of the negative things that could happen and how are you going to deal with it and remain happy, even with some of those things? You want to make sure that [when] you run into some of these things you are ready because he may lose his job or the wife may lose hers; somebody may be trying to woo her away or, you know, his secretary may try to run off with him. You have to know and be prepared for how to deal with these things,” Brodber reasoned.

He said some even more common happenings can cause significant strain and women should learn that even these can erode the chemistry in the marriage.

“Something like him not wanting to cook or clean may not seem like a big deal, but it is for some women. He expects you to do all of it. What would you do? How do you manage that? There are also women, too, who don’t want to cook, or they don’t want to clean, men also have to discuss whether they can deal with that. Is that a deal-breaker? And if it is going to be a deal-breaker then the tough decision should be made before you say I do,” Brodber advised.

Brodber, who has himself been married for 18 years to Michele and is a father of two, contends that his book is anything but controversial, claiming that the book intends to facilitate a teaching moment and provide a road map for women. This, he says, he has done through guided, blunt, real-life situations experienced by couples to explore the nuances and many of the common issues that often arise in marriages to help women to better understand their men, their simplistic nature, and what will cause their lips to curl into smiles and what may make them tick.

“The book is not an attack on women, it is my way to protect the institution of marriage. It is a way of guiding women. Statistics show that 80 per cent of the divorces are being filed for by women. This book is a way to help women to understand men, all while preparing her on how to build healthier, long-lasting relationships — a place where both parties are happy,” Brodber said, noting that the book is the first in a sequel, with a promise to complete and publish So you want to marry her, right? Wives lives matter shortly.

With fewer men getting down on one knee, armed with a diamond ring of their women’s dreams and popping the big question, Brodber said learning and executing the lessons in his book could also help a woman secure the man of her dreams.

“Men are not as interested in marriage anymore. Men all over the world are drawing back from marriage because they feel that they’re getting a raw deal. He’s a man, you know — unless there’s something that happens, some illness or something, right? But the majority of men… the science is there. The biology is there.

“So it is not a Caribbean or a people of African descent issue, and it is not a result of the impact of slavery. Part of the reason is rooted in the fact that men are sexual beings. Men are visual beings stimulated by what we see. It is why men are the main customers for porn and prostitution because of how men are. And women must remember that a man’s passion and need for sex does not turn off after marriage — five, six, 20 or even 30 years — it doesn’t turn off.”

Having counselled singles and couples at home here in Jamaica, then later in Barbados and the Eastern Caribbean and most recently in Florida, Brodber said that he is not giving up on men and their stance on marriage, touting his book as the tool that can bring them back to a neutral stance, and then help them to choose women who they believe are ideal for them.

“I believe that this book can excite, especially men, about marriage again. The book also seeks to very frankly mention issues that are missed by some premarital counsellors. There has always been the need for an easy-read tool for would-be wives and husbands — this is it. And what makes it even more credible is that it is not just based on my professional work and experiences, but I have been able to support my points by other experts such as Dr Helen Smith who also studied the dynamics of men and what men need,” Brodber said of the Bible-based literature.

As Brodber works on completing his sequel focusing on marriage, he also intends to tackle other social issues that have been fingered as contributing to the erosion of the family structure.

“It is heart-breaking to see that healthy families are disappearing. In many of the structures what you see is a lot of hurt, a lot of hatred and a lot of hopelessness. We have to address this issue. There is a need for intervention, and one place to start is with a healthy marriage,” Brodber shared.