Wife wants to leave boring marriage
Counsellor, I am bored and unhappy in my marriage, and I want my old life back. Ninety-nine per cent of the responsibilities fall on me, and my husband is largely absent, working full- time, and I am exhausted. I want to be single again, and to be alone and date when I feel like it. Sometimes I just want to pack my bag and leave without notice. I find myself resenting him and the kids, and I even look at other men and imagine the freedom to just be young and carefree again. How do I move past this bump? My husband thinks providing money is enough.
You are missing your past “freedom” and feeling bored and burdened by the present responsibilities and routines. Understood. Well, let no one judge you for stating how you are feeling. “Let him without sin cast the first stone.” You are voicing what many married people occasionally feel. I salute you for writing to share and to seek advice. Just know though that our feelings can be deceptive at times. And our thoughts can lie to us about what may be a happier path or pattern.
What you probably need is a recalibration and not a separation. It sounds as though you both are working very hard to keep things going. Yes, marriage isn’t always easy. Yet a romantic relationship can be the best thing since sliced bread. Love and intimacy are a dynamic gift from God. Angels aren’t even blessed with the ecstasy your marriage can afford you. But we do live in a broken world, with broken people. And you and your husband are subject to the tensions of this broken world.
Like everything else in this broken world, tune-ups, repairs, and realignment become necessary. Even good things wear out with use. Your marriage simply needs a good intervention. You both need to deploy strategy to realign yourselves with excitement and passion. Think of this, if you’re trying to do a three-legged-race, and both of you are hauling baggage, not easy, right! It isn’t easy to move forward smoothly without determination and careful coordination. It can be frustrating.
So, how can you coordinate, so that both of you are being fulfilled and passion is restored? And note, he may be feeling the same way too. You want adventure again. You want to explore. You want happy routines that challenge you just enough. You want newness. You want to laugh. You want to dress up in something nice, regularly enough. You want to go to new places and try new things. If that’s so, that’s great! It means you essentially aren’t boring people!
My advice:
Talk to your husband: Please assure him first of your deep appreciation for his hard work to provide for you and the family. That matters! But tell him you are asking him to embark on an important adventure with you. Let him know that you’re crumbling inside and you need his help urgently. Tell him you need him again to be your exciting lover and best friend.
Become creative: Life gets boring only if you allow it to. Be purposeful with things like these: Date each other again. Get reliable babysitters for your children and go out at least once every two weeks. Role-play for sexual intimacy. Change locations for sexual intimacy. Adjust your wardrobes. Travel more. Challenge each other. Play together more!
Book a counselling session: Get assistance with getting the adventure started and with accountability to keep it going. You both will need to be challenged to maintain: 1) Scheduled helpful activity, and 2) Spontaneous helpful activities.
Before you do anything rash and jeopardise your marriage, give resuscitation a chance. You can also sign up for my upcoming April marriage seminar. It’s open to all couples that are engaged or married.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
