Identifying emotional abuse and knowing when to move on

YOU might not have a black eye or cuts and bruises, and you may not have been to the emergency room because your partner has broken a limb or two, but wiping tears as they roll down your cheeks while you lay in bed, being unable to sleep at night, fighting to pull yourself out of bed each morning because your partner has trampled on your self-worth or guilted you into believing that you are always at fault, are also signs of abuse, albeit less talked about because you don’t bear the evidence on your body.

Clinical psychologist Dr Pearnel Bell said that it is unfortunate that people continue to dismiss and downplay emotional abuse because it is ‘not as bad’ as being physically abused even though the consequences are so far-reaching that family members often watch as the person disappears from herself and in fewer cases, himself.

“Emotional abuse is a form of abuse that we seldom identify. You can identify physical and sexual abuse easily, but when it comes to emotions many of us are not in tune with our emotions, so we know something’s going on, but we struggle to pinpoint what it is,” Dr Bell explained.

She pointed out that this is why people who are emotionally abused often suffer so long in silence. Additionally, many emotionally abusive partners isolate their partners so it is less likely that family and friends will notice the abuse.

Dr Bell said that another challenge with relationships that carry emotionally abusive elements is that for the abused partner and even onlookers, the relationship may not just appear normal, but the abusive partner may sell him/herself to be very romantic and the relationship feels incredibly intense.

So when this is the case, how can victims of abuse identify when they are being abused and what are the signs that they should look out for?

“First off, you need to get in tune with your emotions, that is how you will be able to recognise that you are being abused, then you can empower yourself with the help of family, friends and a therapist to escape your abusive partner — and to be strong enough to stay away,” Dr Bell advised.

Signs to look out for

He invalidates you

“You’re feeling like this person is breaching your sense of self, taking away your identity or self-esteem and you hear words that make you feel worthless so often that you begin to associate with them after a while,” Dr Bell explained. Invalidation is also not feeling good in your skin because of someone else’s words and behaviour which trigger a feeling of being controlled. She says that it also causes victims to feel like they cannot make any right decisions on their own. Over time the control and loss of sense of self cause you to feel less than your partner.

He hovers over you

You are not allowed any space — he needs to be there all the time, when you meet with friends, family, and he even keeps tabs on you when you go to work. The tracking device on your phone is not a sign of him being protective of you, it is a way for him to make sure that he knows where you are at all times. Dr Bell said that he will also call and text, many times expecting you to video call because that way he can confirm if you are being truthful about your whereabouts, for example.

He is irrationally jealous

“A classic sign of emotional abuse is that the abusive partner, without any evidence at all, will begin to accuse you of cheating. They will want to know why you are on your phone with your boss or another co-worker so late or for such a long time. They will suggest that you only want to go visit your family or hang out with your friends because you want to cheat and may suggest your family and friends are facilitating this,” Dr Bell shared.

Over time, many abused people find themselves going out less because they want to spare themselves the embarrassment and maintain their dignity. The truth is though, most times all of this is done to conceal infidelity.

He makes you feel useless

“Everything you say, in their eyes, is frowned upon — you are made to feel stupid or crazy and insensitive. He tells you that you are good for nothing and that you should be grateful that you have him, otherwise you would be nothing,” Dr Bell said. She explained that you will also find that everything that you do is also heavily criticised — you never do it well enough or say it well enough — and he will bring this even into the bedroom because he knows that matters of the bedroom can significantly impact someone’s insecurities.

He is highly critical of you

He never compliments you unless he wants something from you, and that is if he feels generous. Otherwise, he attacks you about what you eat or drink, your appearance, the way you do your hair, your gait — all of the things that he would have seen when he was courting you have suddenly become unattractive to him. This, Dr Bell explained, causes you to second guess yourself or look to him for guidance on what you should change so that you can please him, and he gains control because now you have accepted that you need his approval.

He guilt trips you

“He takes you on a guilt trip. You never did this and you never did that or it is because of you. They use manipulation tactics to prevent you from leaving them and blackmail you by making threats to hurt you, themselves or people that they love, sometimes even giving chilling descriptions, and so to protect everyone you stay,” Dr Bell explained.

If you have ever done something to hurt the person, emotionally cheating, for example, they will blame the way that they are on you, convincing you that it affected their minds. You may also feel a need to stay and help them to heal because you believe that they are capable of change — the truth is they won’t make an effort, not while they know that they can control you.

“The first step to breaking away from an emotionally abusive partner after of course learning to identify what the signs of emotional abuse are, is to remember that you come first and to prioritise yourself,” Dr Bell advised. She said that victims of emotional abuse, especially when they have been brainwashed and their self-esteem barely exists, will require a strong system of support to help them to move on. She also advised that professional help should also be considered as part of the healing process as the victim works to regain a sense of self.