Mr Insecure

FOR some women, a man whose flaw is being insecure, or shaky, is an even bigger turn-off than any other — it shows that he’s weak, puny, delicate and dull, not traits that would embolden him to be her knight in any kind of armour.

Even worse is that in some men, the insecurity doesn’t show up right away; rather, a woman may meet, date, and get serious with a man she believes is a swashbuckling hero who’s entered her life to wine, dine and be her happily ever after, only to discover, when she’s well invested, that he’s unstable.

What’s been your experience with an insecure men? The stories these women tell will have you wondering if being alone is so bad after all.

Robbie, 30:

My husband, yes, my husband, who I dated for two years and obviously didn’t know his true character, is so insecure that he wants to accompany me everywhere, including to places I should have privacy, like the doctor’s office. I will admit that initially I thought it was cute, but I realised something was wrong with him when I had to micro-braid my hair, and he sat in the salon with me for the entire 10 hours, because he wanted to watch me. Last time my gynaecologist had to ask him to leave the room because it’s like he wanted to stay there and observe too… and he wants to pick me up and drop me off at work, even though I have a car. All this started after I showed him a text from a co-worker who said I looked great that day. Just that innocent exchange now has my husband acting like my bodyguard.

Amoy, 24:

We were in about our third session of marriage counselling, and were discussing the issues of trust and sexual expectations. Even though we had been dating, and intimate for a while, I still thought counselling was necessary before something serious like marriage. Anyway, he knew I had lots of experience prior to him, and so did he, and he’d had no trouble pleasing me before. So I didn’t think getting into detail about my expectations with the counsellor would be an issue, and I thought we had a very good discussion in the session. But when we returned to my place he let me know that he felt weird, because it seemed like I’d expect a lot, and he didn’t “believe in certain things”. He also said that I was obviously lying about being satisfied with his size and his performance, and actually started sobbing. So this man I thought I knew was obviously so repressed, that he’d be intimidated after a counselling session.

Jen, 37:

Some background: I have a master’s and he didn’t graduate high school. But he has his own business, is highly skilled, and takes home three times what I do. I also love him with all my heart, and our educational differences have never bothered me. But all our arguments have the same theme — he calls me a know-it-all, and says I think I’m better than him because I’m more educated. And I’m always flabbergasted, because it’s never even entered my thoughts. Recently the accusation has been that I don’t act “wifely”, that is, act like the typical woman who serves her husband. After that discussion I realised that he will never end the mindset that he doesn’t deserve to be with me, because he sees me as some prize that he doesn’t deserve. I’ve basically just resigned myself to the fact that our marriage may end over this foolishness.

Chevelle, 23:

I like taking photos and in my job I meet a lot of people. The other day I successfully planned an event, and my colleague and I took a photo with one of the participants who we’d had a hard time getting to commit to participating in the forum. It was such a relief that he’d come, so I posted it on my IG and thanked him. Well, my boyfriend immediately called and asked me to take the photo down, because the man was tall and I said something about “looking up to greatness”, and I “obviously” had “a problem with short men”. I laughed, but he was dead serious. Imagine having a short man complex over an innocent photo.

Kaleisha, 25:

I have a three-year-old daughter, and live with my fiancé, who’s not her dad. I’m just allowed to spend 20 minutes in her room at night getting her ready for bed — that includes bath time and a bedtime story — because he says I should be spending most of my time with him. The fact that he’s jealous of a child should be a red flag, but I love him, so I hope it gets better once we have our own kids, and he realises how much time has to be spent with them.