My husband disgusts me
Good day,
I’ve been married for six years but more and more I’ve been thinking of asking my husband for a divorce. The other day my sister’s divorce was finalised and I felt so jealous, and that’s when I realised how bad of a situation I was in. My husband literally disgusts me. He’s a good man and father, but he has no ambition to do better in life and he does the bare minimum for me. I talked to him about migration but he’s not interested, he wants to stay here and suffer. My birthday came and he bought me a teddy bear, and I hate stuffed animals. Last Valentine’s Day he bought me chocolates, and I hate chocolates. He doesn’t even know me at all, nor attempts to. His only interest is in introducing new and sinful sex acts to our bedroom, as he’s obviously watching a lot of porn, and all I can think is that I am allowing this man to violate my body, while he’s doing the bare minimum for me as a man. I’m very unhappy and just want some attention and romance from someone who is not so annoying.
Help!
Thanks for reaching out. First Corinthians 7: 2b says, “Nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh: but I spare you.” The “such” mentioned here speaks of married couples, and the “shall have trouble in the flesh” speaks of marital challenges. The Bible explains that in marriage there will be challenges experienced, as we ‘figure each other out’ and as we make a life together. The struggle to keep enjoying each other, as we learn, is real. Yet marriage is designed to meet our needs, and can certainly be a wonderful experience. It’s like Genesis 3:19 – “by the sweat of your brow you shall eat bread” – there’s a difficulty so we “sweat”, but there’s a blessing in getting the “bread”. It’s challenging but it’s necessary.
My concerns:
• Giving up: It is apparent you have emotionally given up, even though you’ve said, “he’s a good man and father”.
• An inability to communicate: It seems there’s an inability to discuss what is annoying you about him with him.
• His apparent porn-watching: Yes, porn does impact negatively on a relationship. Statistics have established that it does more harm than good, whether because of unrealistic expectations or the mind straying toward new partners.
My advice:
• Don’t give up yet: Don’t think because your sister’s marriage failed that yours must fail. There is a necessity to ‘labour’ to make marriage work. We are often like ‘water’ seeking the ‘path of least resistance’, but good things still come through hard and smart work. Choose the “sweat of your brow” and you may yet get what you desire. You need to be convinced that you’ve done everything you can, before giving up.
• Get further help: You’ll need help to revitalise your ability to communicate with each other. It seems this is where the crux of your breakthrough lies – better communication. You are longing for love and romance and he’s not figuring out how to meet your needs. The fact that you find him a “good man and father” and that he is purchasing gifts and there’s a sex life matters. Get a neutral person to help him hear you – this may even help with the ‘ambition’ issue too.
• Rekindle the fire with strategy. If he’s a good man as you say and not abusive nor unfaithful, there’s something there to work with. The saying, “the grass seems greener on the other side of the fence” is true. There are things you may be able to do to rekindle that love and excitement that made you marry him. Getting away with him for a bit, to sit to try to talk, just the two of you, is also worth a shot.
I pray you get a breakthrough.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
