Hubby’s family hates me
Dear Counsellor,
My husband’s family has never liked me, but I had ignored them for the most part because I believed we could have a life together without them. Things went well for the first few years and the first kids — they mainly kept away, and my husband and I built our life. But now we’re in year six of our marriage and my husband is feeling nostalgic, and has been paying visits to, spending time with, and bonding with his family. This annoys me somewhat, especially when he talks about having our children go to spend time with them — we live in the same parish and they have never visited, celebrated birthdays, or interacted with our kids; they’ve just seen pictures. Most recently they invited my hubby and the kids to a family cookout, and I wasn’t invited. My husband said it was an oversight and I should go, but I felt really insulted. He went, but I didn’t send the children.
How can I fix this dilemma? I do resent them a lot, especially his mother who refused to attend our wedding because I was a divorcée, and the others who have shown no interest in getting to know me or my kids over all these years. I think they’re only interested in rekindling the relationship with my husband because we have made a lot of money in our business, but he doesn’t believe me.
Firstly, you should know that this is not an uncommon situation and challenges with in-laws happens in marriages all the time. While I do encourage prospective couples to endeavour to have the blessing of parents and siblings, on some occasions it just isn’t possible. Situations of racial and social prejudices have caused in-laws to not accept potential spouses. In those cases, forget the ‘blessing’ — never empower ignorance nor hate. However, it certainly is much better when in-laws and spouses get along. And in some cases great relationships with in-laws have developed over time. It’s said “when two women love the same man, it’s trouble” — speaking of a mother and a wife.
Here are my points for you to consider:
1. Your husband wants his parents and a relationship with his relatives — It is good to want reconciliation. Try not to challenge this too much; more than likely it is an emotionally difficult situation for him. I understand your resentment because of what happened, but she’s still his mother and she’s due his courtesy. Try to forgive her, and them. See these as a mistake made and a weakness in their judgement. Be the bigger person and show your husband support in his effort to rekindle the family ties. Let him at least give it a shot. If money becomes an issue there, ask your husband to run things by you before he makes commitments.
2. The in-laws and their relationship with your children — Grandchildren are usually a big deal to grandparents. In-fighting often finds a truce because of grandchildren. In divisions caused because of criticisms of complexion or class or condition, when grandchildren show up, pride and arrogance often go out the window. Give it a shot. Your children are due a fighting chance at having a relationship with those that are also their blood. If they are being hurt in any way, then put a stop to it. But at the least, trust your husband to manage this. Who knows what future blessing awaits? Not inviting you to the cookout, if that was purposeful, was disrespectful. See their flaws and help them overcome them.
In essence, attempt to bury the hatchet for your husband’s and children’s sake. It may be difficult for you, but this struggle can mean greater joy in the long run. It often takes just one patient person to become the hero of a family’s happiness.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
