Wife wants to stop filing for adulterous hubby
Dear Counsellor,
My US citizen son (I had him as a teenager long before my marriage) is filing for my husband (his stepfather) and I and we’re at an advanced stage. However, I recently found out that during our marriage my husband fathered two other children, and I want to end the marriage because of this deceit. I want to tell my son to cancel his filing, but I don’t know if I’m being selfish. I honestly don’t want any part of the baby mama drama and I think he should stay in Jamaica and raise his children with this woman (we have no children together), while I go to the United States and try to find my soul mate. It’s not even the infidelity that’s so hurtful; it’s the fact that I was unable to bear him a child, and he went outside and slept with someone, unprotected, twice. His family says I’m selfish to deny him the opportunity to migrate, but at this point I just want to move on and start over.
I pray that your heart will heal from this difficult situation. I have seen families torn apart by this. In one such case a husband, on his death bed, revealed something similar to his wife. Some husbands often want to ‘fess up but are afraid. They are terrified to tell their wives of their misdeeds. They say, “I don’t want to lose her”. But the argument is, if you love her and don’t want to lose her, why have an affair, and why not tell her the truth if you did? The reasons we men have offered as justifications and explanations vary so widely and are often unreasonable and illogical.
The Bible says, “And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except [it be] for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery…” (Matthew 19:9). We ministers often refer to this passage to bring clarity on when divorce is qualified — and that is, once sexual immorality is involved. The “except it be for fornication” is better translated “except in the case of sexual immorality” — adultery (an affair) qualifies as sexual immorality and gives occasion for divorce. Yes, you have the right to move on. And not being able to have more children doesn’t excuse infidelity.
However, know that the scripture there isn’t a command for divorce, it gives the option of it. I do know of situations where spouses had the right to move on yet they, despite their present pain, worked through the challenges. Grace can have a place in your situation, too. He certainly did put your life at risk by having unprotected sex with the other woman/women — quite possibly more than twice, too. He certainly has been living a lie, and you’d wonder if there are any other lies. But the choice is yours to make. Be confident in whatever you decide! You ending the marriage and migrating alone is not selfish at all, though you should check if stopping the filing for your husband might in any way affect your own application.
However, here’s my advice to you:
1. Don’t disrupt the filing process: It doesn’t mean you can’t move on from the marriage after the filing is done.
2. Get with a good counsellor: Talking about the situation will be important for your mental and emotional health.
3. Be open to forgiving your husband: The burden of bitterness is unbearable, and impacts the potential for future happiness.
4. If your marriage ends, don’t be in a hurry to start another relationship: Single doesn’t have to mean sad. Take the time to settle physically and emotionally. Moving to a new country is a big deal.
Whether there is reconciliation through repair work with your husband or not, or through you starting over in the US alone, I pray you’ll experience happily ever after.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
