Since I cheated, hubby stalks my every move

DEAR COUNSELLOR, My husband has been stalking me — there’s a tracker on my car, he has people making reports to him about my activities, and he has a tracker on my phone. This makes me very uncomfortable, but he said it’s insurance for him, to ensure that I remain faithful. I made a little boo-boo a year ago and hooked up with an ex of mine, and since I confessed, he has turned into a PI. I have no intention of making any such mistake again and I’ve told him so, and he says he has forgiven me for cheating. It’s just this problem we’re having now, where he makes me feel like a caged bird. I feel that if I say anything, he will think that I just need space to cheat again. How do we get past this hiccup?

Thank you for your question. I commend you for working on your relationship and reaching out. Yes, we can understand that when infidelity happens trust gets broken. An offending partner has to re-earn the trust of the offended partner. However, there is a point where the mistrust of the offended partner can cause them to act in ways that really become unbearable. Their fear of being hurt again can cause them to act in ways that hurt their partners psychologically. Let me be quick to say, those situations of their causing psychological anguish, as you are feeling now, because of his fears or hurt, can often be sorted out. But hurting an offending partner physically also, by hitting, that’s usually a line of no return. In that case, don’t accept that! Get out!

That said, I’ll speak specifically to the parameters of what you’ve shared. Those that live according to “once bitten, twice shy”, they may live perpetually “shy” — always fearful and timid and that’s unhealthy. We cannot live in fear! Any situation or event that causes us hurt must not be allowed to darken our entire future. People make mistakes. We will all need forgiveness at some point and we all will need to be able to forgive at some point. This is maturity. The Bible says “Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him.” (Luke 17:3). That’s purposely placed in the Bible to empower us to live full and free, mature lives.

There must be room in every relationship for genuine forgiveness. A ‘good relationship’ must not be fickle or fragile. Genuine forgiveness is necessary to ensure your relationship isn’t fickle. Yes, once we fall in love it inevitably means some level of vulnerability — to love is to become vulnerable to being hurt. But it’s a necessary risk for an amazing and exceptional reward. Your husband will need to heal properly. What he’s displaying is his hurt. Here’s my advice:

1) You both need a pow-wow: You need to sit down for a good heart-to-heart talk. Find a conducive location (somewhere quiet and possibly romantic) and a convenient time, when he’s at ease and you both can speak as long as is necessary. Make an effort to reassure him of your love, firstly and lastly. But in-between, you’ll need to state strongly that the private investigator (PI) tactics won’t work for you. Let him know how it’s hurting you and that it must stop. Tell him that you commit to being honest with him, as you were, regarding anything that happens in your relationship. But let him know he may lose you if he keeps surveilling you this way.

2) Get further support: Having further counselling can help greatly. You both need to get with a counsellor. It is prudent to do so individually and also together, in order to continue to work this situation through. Remember, wounds heal fastest with good help.

I pray that yours will also be a story of ‘happily ever after’.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.