The baby doesn’t look like my husband
Dear Counsellor,
During a girls’ trip to the Dominican Republic last year — it was a post-wedding bachelorette party since a lot of my friends weren’t at my small wedding, I got too excited and ended up in bed with a tour guide from the hotel. It was brief and one time, and I went back home and continued my life with my new husband. A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant, and my husband and I were ecstatic. Fast forward to now, and I’m the mother of a baby boy, who has still not lost his placenta perm. In fact, it doesn’t look at all that his hair will change, nor his features, to be honest, which appear less African than both of us, his parents. I have done the calculations over and over and have convinced myself that he could not be for the Spanish guy, but even my mother-in-law has expressed some doubts at my son’s hair, nose, and pale skin. What am I supposed to do? Nobody knows what I did, and now my son’s features won’t change. Worst of all, there is no kind of ancestry that I could point to in mine or my husband’s family, to explain these genetics. What can I do?
Let’s establish first, whatever happens and whatever actions you or your husband may take, please note that your baby is a blessing. You are blessed to have a baby boy in your arms. That said, there will be lots to endure to detangle this difficult situation. Acknowledging your blunder is the first step. Some people might be comfortable sweeping such a matter under the rug, but being dismissive or further deceitful is never the decent choice. Yet, what I understand is that you don’t even have that choice, in that your mother-in-law is duly suspicious. The baby clearly resembles the “Spanish guy” and is mixed race.
It is said that Jamaica is number one in the world with paternal fraud, aka “jackets”. Whether that statistic is so or not, you should not want to add to the number.
My advice:
Come clean: This may be hard for you to hear. And it may be very difficult for you to imagine doing, but it is the right and decent thing to do. A clean conscience is a big deal! So plan to own up to your misdeed. If you can, do a DNA test before speaking to your husband about who the real father is. Make sure the child is indeed yours, and then confirm that the baby is not really his. Either way, let him know about the infidelity while you were abroad.
Prepare for the outcome: You may have to deal with your husband deciding to end the marriage. It will be difficult, but if you think that you love your husband, then he deserves to know the truth and he deserves the right to choose what steps he wants to take in light of the infidelity and you having another man’s baby. Sadly, your blunder may have ended your marriage before it really got started.
Get support: Plan to have support present when you talk to your husband. I suggest you speak to your family members first, and have them present when you speak to him. Make plans for if the marriage breaks down.
Plan on getting counselling: You husband will be extremely hurt and will need support. If he chooses to stick by you, I suggest that you both book a session with a counsellor. And if he chooses to leave, plan to have a session by yourself, once you are able. You can always reach out to me via www.counsellorscouch.com.
Note, mistakes of the past don’t have to ruin your future; however, building a stable and decent future requires the hard work of honesty and accountability.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
