House husband wants treats
Counsellor,
I stay at home with our children while my wife works, as she is in an industry that pays more than the one I was trained in. We discussed it, and it made financial sense for me to be the caregiver. I homeschool the kids, and do all the household chores, etc. My wife is the breadwinner, and though our situation isn’t traditional, we make it work. Lately, I’ve been feeling conflicted because I’d like to be pampered or treated with the same care and attention many women traditionally expect from their partners, and I don’t know how to express this to her. She doesn’t give me an allowance, but I’d like to treat myself sometimes to a haircut or even a massage, or even a guys’ night out. If our roles were reversed, I know she’d expect the same, but I’m unsure how to express this without sounding selfish or undermining my role as the man. I don’t earn anything for myself, and all her money goes into the family expense account. I’d appreciate your guidance on navigating this.
Trust me, I commend you for juggling and making things work. However, there are some genuine issues that can arise in this set-up. We’ll have to get into that shortly. The world is certainly changing, and women are a greater part of the work force and generally earning more nowadays. Therefore, some marriages like yours are juggling and shifting away from the traditional set-up. The issue of a husband being by nature the #breadwinner is currently under “review”. Some couples are struggling to find their way through this present evolution in relationship dynamics.
Some men are presently musing, “If she earns more than me, can she truly love and respect me?” And truth be told, the answer to that question is not straightforward. Only a few mature men and women can overcome social pressures to make a relationship like that work. In my opinion, most women and men can’t do it harmoniously long-term. It may be that, intrinsically, most women feel that their man should be #stronger, in every sense, finances included. So, what does this mean for you?
My advice:
Get a side hustle: I’d say to a woman in a similar position, have an income stream, and so should you. Proverbs 31 describes being financially savvy and productive while running a home. The cottage industry is still a thing. Anything can happen to your wife or the marriage, so it makes sense for you to generate income. If you homeschool then it means you also have the ability to tutor. Maybe add other children to your class or create a homework centre and charge a fee.
Show your wife a plan: Make a plan and show her that she’s not going to be carrying the financial burden alone. Show her that you intend to be making money soon too. You’ll be positioning yourself better in her eyes. And it’s perfectly proper for you both to consider where she’ll eventually get to help out at home.
Request spending money infrequently: Yes, right now, you do have to ask her for spending money. But if all her money goes into family expenses, then she has little or no disposable income to give. It will be a pressure on her find you spending cash, so try not to ask her more than once a month, and only for very small amounts. Her pampering you may need to be more by creativity than by cash. Also, see if you can get temporary cash assistance you need from your relatives, until you get something of your own started.
Again, I salute you both for your novel solution; however, I do think adjustments will be needed to keep things balanced. Of course you can always get further help from me at
counsellorscouch.com. I pray your family prospers.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
