Hubby checked out
COUNSELLOR,
First, let me admit that I’m a wimp, who is seeking the easy way out. That said, I am emotionally disconnected from my wife, and I feel like I’m just waiting for her to make the decision to end our relationship. I just can’t find the will to say anything, but I’m fully aware that my treatment of her is an attempt to frustrate her into leaving me. I have no desire to save our marriage, and there’s no cheating, I literally just checked out. What do you think?
You’re on auto-pilot, and in a holding pattern, waiting for your wife to bail. It’s unfortunate. Truth is, other guys are doing the same with their marriages. Even guys you may not think to say they are “wimps”. Men often do not want to feel like they bailed on their wives. Like you, some also create the conditions to encourage them to make the decision to divorce. And about 80 per cent of divorces are filed for by wives. This attitude may have something to do with this statistic.
However, you may be missing an important opportunity. No, I’m not talking about mustering the courage to throw in the towel, and finding someone new. I’m talking about mustering the courage to fire up your relationship. You feel “emotionally disconnected” now, but that can be turned around. The fact that you feel safe enough not to flee from her now, means she isn’t a “terror by night”. Safe is a win, bro! And mature love that has rebounded is usually an amazing love. It can create the conditions for the best romance experiences in marriage.
Finding someone you can “peacefully” live with is a privilege. And I’m not promoting a low bar for marriage: Peace is good! You married her — she had something you loved. Unless there’s something dramatic going on, I think you should honour the decision you made and fight for your marriage. Every marriage has had issues. Both “good” and “bad” marriages often have the exact same challenges. The difference is how the couples deal with their challenges.
My advice:
Yeah, don’t wimp out: Your vows require you making sacrificial effort. Use your creativity, skill, determination, contacts, everything in your reach, to try to fire things up. You can unlock all manner of blessings if you can just unlock the wherewithal to figure this out. Obtaining diamonds requires deep digging, so too does the best that life has to offer.
Recognise your privilege: Yes, you are privileged. You already have a #Wife. The Bible says “The man who finds a WIFE finds a TREASURE, and he receives FAVOUR from the Lord.” (Proverbs 18:22 NLT. Emphasis added). You’ve had affection, support, companionship, etc. Some, after many years, are still searching for what you’ve already got.
Respect her: She deserves honour, not disregard. She said “yes” when you proposed. She said “I do” to you when asked. She deserves your respect . You may not feel “excited” about her now, but you once did. Do the decent thing and honour her. Don’t frustrate her. If you can’t muster courage to leave, then muster the courage to honour her as long as you’re there. And she deserves an apology.
Get counselling: Yes, come in for a chat. Some relationships just need effective tools to rekindle their passion. As it is with any fire, needing fuel to survive, so it is with the fire of passion in marriage, it often just needs some #FUEL. I’d suggest you start sessions alone first, and then we can do joint sessions.
Understand the dynamic of relationships: Whether it’s siblings, parents, friends or coworkers, healthy relationships aren’t always easy to maintain. And the most important relationships are often the most difficult to maintain well.
See if you’re creative and strong enough to make things work. I stand by ready to assist. I pray for your wisdom. Happy New Year!
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
