‘Maama man’ musings
Counsellor,
So apparently, my wife thinks I need counselling — which is funny, because ever since she accused me of being a ‘maama man’, I’ve realised she’s the one acting strange. I breathe too loud, I chew like a goat, and I “don’t listen”— though I’m pretty sure I nodded at least twice last week when she again complained endlessly. Now she’s calling me names, because I was talking to my neighbour about our problems, instead of her. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love her. But if she’s going to drag me, I figured I might as well get my complaints in too — like how she talks to the kids and the dog with more affection than she does to me. Or how the way I breathe, look, dress and exist has become a psychological warfare. What can I do?
Your wife is being hurtful and disrespectful to you and it’s causing you to react. Understandable. While every individual and couple can benefit from good counselling, name-calling and criticisms aren’t good signs. Dr John Gottman of the Gottman Institute says there are particular traits that predict that a relationship will most likely fail. Criticism and contempt are two of those indicators. He calls this behaviour in marriage the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. The other two horsemen being stonewalling and defensiveness.
Apparently, your wife is losing respect and concern for you, for some reason. Criticising you is quite different from offering suggestions for a change in your behaviour, or stating her complaint. Criticism and name-calling are an attack on your sense of worth, and your character. If she continues, it will most certainly bring the relationship to an end. No one can absorb constant attacks on their sense of self-worth. No one can have peace of mind if their spirit is under constant assault.
My advice:
Speak to her: Tell her that you realise that she has changed, and that you do not like the direction things are heading in. Let her know that you love her, but that she’s hurting you and jeopardising your marriage. Make it clear that you would like to try to regain a healthy relationship. Mention that you’d like to find out why she has been verbally attacking you, disrespecting and disregarding you the way she is. Try to find out from her if she thinks you have changed in any way, and if she thinks you’re doing something that is disrespectful and making her feel unloved. Listen to her carefully, without being “defensive”. If what she offers is reasonable, try to find a compromise and make the necessary changes.
Protect your spirit: You do have to insulate yourself from attacks. Don’t let the darts of name-calling sink in. Verbal darts from the people you love the most are usually the most lethal. It takes maturity and wisdom to deal prudently with verbal darts. A biblical way to deal with verbal darts is to answer the attacker without stooping to their low. Stay above the pettiness, understanding that their own present behaviour is an indicator that their own mental health is under assault. Respond to the attacks with countermeasures of smart words and kind words — “You know I love you, right?”, “I’m glad I married you”, “Kiss me when you’re done complaining”, “Oh my, you look great today”. Also, buoy yourself up with self-encouraging words. Speak to yourself, “I am good-looking”, “I will be successful”, “I’m getting better every day”.
Consider counselling: As said, it’s good for individuals and couples to talk with a good counsellor. Like annual check-ups with a doctor, it is prudent to do check-ins with a counsellor. It may be there are things happening that your spouse hasn’t felt they’ve had the opportunity to discuss. It may be there are things you’ve long swept under the carpet that should be dealt with. Consider making contact to schedule a chat.
Be encouraged and stand strong. I pray that your marriage will bounce back.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
