Hubby can’t leave and cleave
COUNSELLOR, When I met my husband he was estranged from many of the people in his family, and I encouraged him to make amends. I don’t really get along with them though, and his parents never attended our wedding, as they said there was a schedule clash. I didn’t make any of this bother me, as I have a very close family of my own. Basically, I only speak to them at holiday functions, as he told me that they’ve said that I act too uppity. Initially, my husband understood his role in our new family, and his responsibilities primarily to our family, but now, seven years into the marriage, he’s making moves to involve his family in everything. I found out that he opened a bank account with his and his mother’s name; has her as the beneficiary of his life insurance, and as trustee for our minor children; that he has been sending money each month to an uncle, even while we’re struggling; that he bought two cars for his cousin’s rental business; and that he bought property with his family, and they’re building a family complex. I was not consulted in any of these decisions. While I don’t care if he’s trying to level up, I’m uncomfortable with the fact that he’s doing this behind my back, and they seem to be in his ears a lot about what he’s entitled to in the assets we share, while trying to lock me out of what he has. Any suggestions? Our marriage is not acrimonious in any way, for the record.
Yes, that should be concerning. Especially if he’s being secretive. And as you’d probably have heard, Genesis 2:24, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” There’s a very good reason why the Bible emphasises the rights of a spouse above relatives. #Longevity.
Family is important. But maintaining a good relationship with your spouse is imperative. We’ve always said, “Blood thicker than wata.” And Jamaicans often put mothers ahead of spouses. But that’s an affront to the scripture. It’s a divorce-oriented, trial and error-oriented culture that normalises that. God’s Word says your spouse comes first!
I recommend my book So You Wanna Marry Her – Wives Lives Matter. Having said all that, what is apparent is that the trust and communication you both once had has been eroded. Why? If all was well for seven years, but now there’s a sudden shift, something has caused that. And it would not likely be just a desire to reconnect with his estranged kin. And it would not likely be that they suddenly have great influence on him. Something has him “spooked”.
My advice:
Speak to him: Give him the opportunity to explain what’s happening. Share with him what you’ve noticed and your concern. Create an atmosphere that could make discussion easy and respectful And that’s often best done over a nice meal. Don’t attack him with accusations or presumptions. And sandwich every difficult issue you raise with a “Honey” or “Sweetheart”, etc. (Names of endearment make communication much easier. I hope you were already using them, so he won’t find it sudden and strange.)
Make a plan: If after you have spoken with him it seems he’s still unfazed, secretive, and leaning toward plans for himself (and his kinfolk), you’ll have to start to circle-the-wagons around yourself too. Yes, unfortunately, if things are looking too risky, you may want to speak to an attorney. Ask about your rights and how to protect yourself.
Get counselling: Consider getting a counsellor involved. Especially if he’s stated a reason why he’s changed. The focus of such a session would be to restore trust, communication, and cooperation. The “trench” issues of the bank accounts, investments, donations, and general involvement of family would come next.
Feel free to reach out for further assistance.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
