Wife wants taps and roses, hubby wants out
Counsellor, I’m self-employed, so my wife, who worked in corporate, had great insurance and other sweet benefits like scholarships, travel allowances and stuff for the entire family. A year ago she quit her job without consulting me, and said she would be branching out on her own in business, with a focus on social media content creation. She invested her pension funds in this endeavour, but things haven’t been going as well as she expected, and her funds have depleted, putting extreme pressure on me, especially with one of our children needing constant medical care. Today she has no safety net, and I’m frustrated. She refuses to go back to work, and I’m feeling extremely burdened. As a church member divorce is forbidden, but would this be considered fair grounds?
You are under financial pressure and you feel frustrated, even with your marriage. Understood. No, your wife leaving her job isn’t a fair grounds for immediate divorce. And it’s not biblical grounds for a divorce. She certainly should have discussed it you before leaving her job. She should have consulted you before making that radical investment. Her decision has exposed the family to risks indeed. But it doesn’t warrant throwing in the towel immediately.
It is important to ascertain what has happened to communication in your marriage. Why did she not think it necessary to mention her ideas and plans? That is a primary exposure and area of concern. A couple not planning together, nor consulting each other on critical matters, is putting their partnership at risk.
Now, you both seem to be in the church. So the Bible should provide guidance for how your family functions. The Bible doesn’t ultimately charge your wife with the responsibility to provide for the family. It really puts the onus on husbands. 1 Timothy 5:8 says, “But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.” It means that men should be interested, and should be the ones primarily involved in the maintenance of their family.
There’s no room to condemn your wife if she’s slowed down her involvement. Yes, even in today’s challenging world. Wives are given a Biblical charge too, to assist and support their husbands, in strategic ways. There’s no room for your wife to be uninterested or uninvested in family matters. Christian wives should be inclined to and interested in assisting their husbands with the burden of breadwinning: Proverbs 31:16 says, “She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.” A Christian wife is interested, invested, and involved in the care of her family, in a supporting role. However, no partnership works without communication and collaboration.
My advice:
Speak to your wife: Make sure you’ve tempered down your anger and frustration. Let her know you’re disappointed with how she’s handled things. But, reassure her of your love. Let her know you’re doing your best, and you’d still like her assistance. The aim will be to have her understand the need for collaboration, and to understand that you care how she’s feeling. Create a plan and let her know your plan. See what suggestions she might have. Discuss any new strategic way you both can facilitate making ends-meet.
Call a family meeting: If your children are old enough, invite them to the meeting. Include anyone living with you. Discuss the financial situation. Discuss cutting back on expenses and how everyone can play their part. The weight doesn’t all have to be on you. But managing things is your biblical responsibility. Yes, it does require a cooperating spouse and family, to make things work.
Many marriages and families are under similar pressure. I pray that you both can be creative and collaborative, and that you’ll communicate effectively, in order to solve your challenges. Reach out for further information and support.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
